Things....

I will never do :
Travel to an exotic destination just to sit on the beach.
Resent my father for not being around.
Hate winter.
Give up on my search for meaning.
Have a desk job (again).

I regret:
Being a degenerate.
Taking the medications I was prescribed as a child.
Not finding my voice until recently.
Poor self image.
My financial inabilities.
Not learning any instruments when I had the opportunity.
Not exploring my passions thoroughly.
Selling my crown victoria police interceptor.
The heavy drinking.
Lack of motivation
Not being a better father.

I'm grateful for:
The wisdom I've garnished from my experiences.
My family,friends and pets.
My abilities and the journey it takes/has taken to develop them.
Knowledge and my natural curiosity.
The scent of that paris hilton cologne...seriously the sexiest scent I've ever had the pleasure to experience.
My daughter and I hope she someday understands.
The good and the bad events of my past, I would not be the person I am today without them.

I wish I had:
A full time job.
Health insurance.
The ability to write music/play instruments/sing.
The drive to be better than I am.
More control over my temper.

I wish to do:
Design a car.
Write a book.
Write a song.
Write my biography.
Learn to fight competitively.
Learn to play the guitar,the flute, and the bagpipes.
Race a car/motorcycle professionally.
Teach Minnesotans proper daily driving.
Find the meaning.

The season nears it's end.

And that means one thing.

I need to find employment.
And to that end I have two good leads. One as a lube tech at the ole jiffy lube, and two as customer service at GNC which would give me 30% off their fine items.

I can do both jobs with my eyes closed and though the pay would most likely be better at gnc I think I'd prefer to be able to just take off oil filters and get dirty.

Also, Becky will be here in a mere week. This is kind of a big deal. If we hit it off she's going to stay. That's big change. And I'm kind of a trog so I dunno if she'll even want to stay the week let alone for good. Though I'm sure the highspeed internet will make her decision swing in the way on staying but we shall see.

And since nothing exciting has happened to me recently I'm not too sure of what else to write about so this post shall be short and end here.

What need does love have for a ring?

Why does a vow need to be placed on the heart of a woman or a man who says they love each other.
Does a ring need to weigh down the words in representation of the emotion that we seek from another?
Why is it they need to entrap the love they say is strong enough to last forever, till an end comes to their lover?

If this feeling is so strong why must it be locked away in a diamond cage?
if it conquers all then why make it slave to a few words and a shiny hole to place on a finger.
My understanding of my own feelings may be only knee deep but I find the concept to of a ceremony to celebrate a love that has doomed many to be a fools game as it's carried above the head of those who are drowning in tradition.

Being scared of yourself for the sake of others.

I'm not a small individual.
I'm not the happiest of people.
I've been through a lot of really stupid bullshit, and I can remember a lot of it happening to me as a child.
I've been hurt a few times when I deserved and a few times when I did not.
When I have hurt others though...I can't justify it. I look back and am horrified at some of my actions. My Mr. Hyde is no John Malkovich. My caged beast is a cross between a rabid lion,a great white shark, and one of the kind of lunatic that will destroy themselves to hurt someone else. I keep this monstrosity tucked away so well that it doesn't get loose unless I want it to. The current issue being , I find myself with a white knuckle grip on the key more and more often. Much like Malkovich's portrayal in the cinematic rendition of the great story, I like it when the beast is out, I like the alpha male feelings and how powerful I feel when I'm in that moment, I just don't like the regret that comes later.
Last night an acquaintance unwittingly rattled that cage. I now believe that it was just him being a putz and me having had some whiskey in my system couldn't really tell until I saw a smirk fly to another acquaintance followed by a quick wink. What scares me is, the prospect of someone half my size getting mauled by me, alienating friends, having to live with yet more guilt. What scares me is how the key tends to rest inside the keyhole, how my thoughts bend more towards why I should instead of why it's best not to.

Skewl tis outro.

What the fuck am I going to do to occupy my time?

Am I going to save the universe from certain peril?

Am I going to volunteer my time to help those less fortunate?

Work so as to be in posession of money?

Make sex with bountiful amounts of goregous women?

Well, I will be working ever so slightly. That much is certain, the rest is just phallacy.

I'm not even certain I'll do more than sit here and or in the chair to my left, though it would be nice to work on my art or figure out what I need to get the motorcycle in my garage running I'm sure I'm just going to sit around by my lonesome. Maybe not all the time, I'm sure I'll talk my way into a few drinks here and there...speaking of, there is half a bottle of red wine and a Sam Adams with my name on them.

To the strangest Winter I remember...

With your fresh snow falling without rhyme
with the December temperatures feeling like spring
To the birds whom have not migrated
their younglings feeding in the sub-zero winds

To the fun that a rear wheel drive truck brings on slick roads
for those who can't drive and cause us woe
because those same goons end up in the ditch
because snow tires are cheaper in the summer
but apparently in Minnesota, Winter is forgotten by Fall

To the first winter in four years I haven't delivered a single pizza
and for some reason I regret the lack of poor tips
because now I am so broke I would shave a yeti for a penny
because though I can't rhyme or conduct symmetric lines
I wish to write something more than seething hate.

I dunno why but it seemed appropriate to try my hand
again at prose but mainly because of the chirping birds
in the dead of winter they sing to me, a song of perseverance.
Telling me that even when things are rough, they are not bleak.

I find peace in winter, I love the cold,
freshly fallen undisturbed snow coating everything
in every way. Solace from solitude.

Life is a giant with an apathetic attitude
as we humans do it walks all over the masses
Unable to rhyme it's words into reason
Anger shakes the lace of it's boot

A song sung from a broken voice to me
laced in with sounds of the seasons
leaden heavy with the hindsight of misery
reverbertaing in the eardrums of eternity

as it comes to pass I struck dumb by clarity
it's my addictions that have come to define me
though it's my words that remind me
of my self as a child, a man who used to dream.

A flower blooms to tell the world of it's passing
a tree dies to remind us of our compassion
what is the sum of life if not a ramdon verse
how can we live when we know nothing of the chorus.

Lack of sleep.

So I spoke with other students today and aparently my instructor is just "nit-pickey" so for now I am leaving the events of the past couple days be.

But I wonder now; did I over-react? Was I right to feel angry? Though I feel I was in the right is it because I just haven't been sleeping well?

meh I don't really feel like writing.

Some things that bother me today.

My blogs recently have all been negative. Right now I feel fairly negative.
My current instructor seems to be singling me out while I'm in the shop.
Personally I find the way he talks to me to be infuriating, it's as if he's talking to a mentally handicapped individual or a small child. When I arrived into the shop today I walked in set my tools and snow blower down at my bench and proceeded to walk to the punch clock, and on the way there The instructor asked me if I had a pair of safety-glasses today ( I keep them in both my tool box in the shop and in the box of tools bring home every day). I felt that it was a job but I explained that I was merely clocking in before returning to my bench to put on the glasses.

Later on I decided to use a carburetor from the motorcycle I purchased a month or so ago as a project for credit and the other instructor (whom I have no qualms with) said that the carbs from my motorcycle were too advanced...lol apparently I have to wait for the advanced class in order to learn enough about the more advanced carbs. Why the fuck did I pay to take a class that is centralized around the carburetor if I wasn't going to learn enough about them to finish the assigned projects?

Anyway... I spoke with a classmate mitch and we went for a drive...it was calming I really like driving and being in a car. I also love the snow, it makes fucking around while driving much easier, faux drifting I'll call it, using the e-brake on a front wheel drive car to induce a spin that is easy to control and correct. To me driving is therapy and the snow is my prescription. I get back and I realize that I have really nothing to do that requires I be in the shop so I pulled the car into the shop and shut the large slide door so the other students wouldn't get cold, and left my car running as to conserve fuel, I walk to my bench pick up the repair manual for the motorcycle that belongs to (it's been abut 15 seconds since I closed the door) and I ask the instructor if I can take the manual home to study it (I figure the carb can be understood if I can just read more info about it )He responds,"No you can't, Anthony What are you doing?"
I reply, "I'm putting my tools and snow blower into my car"
Dan has that look on his face, the "what the fuck is wrong with you" look and many people in the shop are staring at me which makes me wonder what's going on . It's literally hasn't even been 30 seconds since I shut the door. I don't remember what the instructor said next but it was about my car running, and it was in such a way that I had to shut it out so I wouldn't get pissed off. Another student asks me to turn my car off but again in such a away to imply that I should know not to run my vehicle less than 2 minutes in a well ventilated wide open and very large shop. I feel humiliated, one if the shop doesn't posses adequate ventilation than why are the students allowed to start and run the small equipment and motorcycles,snow-mobiles and the like? My little low-emission Honda shouldn't be much of an issue in that situation. Anyway I tell myself that this situation isn't worth my acknowledgement, I notice I can't even smell exhaust yet but I shut off the car and proceed to put everything into it. I get in and turn it back on...it couldn't have been more than 2 and a half minutes since I shut the garage door I proceed to leave the shop feeling like I've been ostracized and humiliated. If this is going to be a consistent process then I really need to get some outside help with it.

I may not understand this all too well...

I actually woke up early today, I had breakfast, I warmed up the car, I got to school ,b.s'd with some class mates, went to class on time. Then my so far very short day that began with a chipper yet tired mood, took a southward turn when my teacher dismissed me from class for not having brought a writing utensil and paper.He actually told me to go buy some and then continued to ask me if I'd show up to work without my tools.
I responded , "I'd leave my tools at work"
and he shot back , "well there's an idea".

Now Having cooled off I realize that this was supposed to be a lesson in responsibility, yet I'm not paying money to learn responsibility.
Ido not need to write this simple bullshit down to remember it. I need to practice the theory not gab about it.

Now many could argue that I was irresponsible for not bringing the little satchel with my stationary in it, and I could easily kick you all in the teeth and break your necks without blinking, indeed that is how mad I am about this. His comment about my tools and work are uncalled-for and inappropriate; I am paying to be there not being paid. Now I sit here becoming infuriated as I think about it. What kind of lesson needs to be driven home with degradation,insult, and dismissal? I can't even calm down enough to return to the shop because I fear I might explode in a violent rage.

I don't even know who to bring this up to, I would be unable to calmly confront my instructor about this, and I don't think he would care about my opinion on the matter anyway.
To me this is akin to hiring someone to perform a task and instead of them doing it they take the money , insult me, and then say they'll do it when they're ready. Fuck, it's just unacceptable.

Why Living in Seclusion Is Awesome in Theory Not in Practice.

I mentioned to my father that I have a deep seated urge to give up this life that society has mandated and thrust upon me forcibly and his response was a very sagacious , "I've been there and done that son, all you get is dirty shoes and a dirty shirt."

However what weighs more; dirty clothes or a clouded heart? I personally cannot answer this conundrum at my current life stage. Though I whole-heartedly believe that the simple life is much easier and fulfilling. Take the Amish for example, they haven't much changed their way of life for whoever long the Amish culture has been. They allow their children a period of time to taste the rat race and yet it seems that they tend to migrate back into the flock afterwards.

Now I'm far too anti-social to live such a simple life with others (unless we add the alcohol and amorous sex) so I find myself day-dreaming of a Jeremiah Johnson-esque lifestyle. Log cabin, hunt for food, and gratuitous amounts of whatever local fauna happens to elicit a mind altering state.

Now I also can chalk this whole frontier fantasy up to my inability to cope with reality, and my feelings that I really hold no part in life, I will not change anything, save the universe from evil, drive a lambo, have all female orgies with super models, or really ever be a good person. But I also think that every person should experience self-prescribed seclusion as to impart perspective, not just seclusion mind you...there are many situations every human should take part in , it would just take me a long time to write them all and at the current moment I don't fucking feel like typing much more.

Actually I feel like I've lost my train of thought.

Hail to the Hammer.

Caution: Over-cooking your Steakums will lead to a condition known as sadness

and under cooking em will give you parasites.

Anyway, tonight is Frey's Day Nocht (threw in some German for flare).

Chances are I will drink, and tomorrow I shall work. It is getting to the point once again where my self medication is taking it's toll. I am rowing bored once again to the point where I spend hours of my day off sleeping away all the time within which I could be productive.

Not that It accomplishes much more but I resolve to fore go my naps in favor of exercise and drawing practice. Seriously Some of my goals include mastering drawing from my imagination, writing a novel, learning instruments, and becoming a master of the bedroom.

So if you can or are willing to help with any of my aspirations feel free to voice up.

My dirty undies Dude, the laundry, "The whites"

Why is it bowling itself sucks so hard but bowling-centric comedies are rad with a great message at the end?

Seriously though I hate bowling.

So as to be vulgar....

Sex is today's topic.

Or rather my lack of.

I could end the blog there and I would probably save you the time of reading exactly what is in the line above, however I feel like writing and I am listening to music, and well it's a fuck-um blog.

I've notice that the premise of sex has been confused, contorted, distorted, and has become something of a misunderstood animal. So here I am to explain.

Sex is a physical and pleasurable act. Now my version of sex involves me and a woman two if I ever become so lucky, but of course there exists all manner of sex, and humans aren't the only ones who make sex. Dolphins even fuck for pleasure I hear, but then again if I had a cock I could wrap around a woman's waist I think it would pretty much remove any pleasure besides shock from their experience with me (I also hear dolphins have a cock they can wrap around someones waist. I will never swim with dolphins). Anyway, the odd thing about this is people (not just women but in my experience I am talking about women when I say people) have the tendency to complicate the fuck-sex. They throw in emotions and stipulations and boundaries...seriously it's no more complicated than my erection gets put into your vagina or mouth . I mean you can put your vagina in my mouth that's acceptable too. So why the fuck does it have to becomes an event involving love, or a relationship? Why would you really want to be in a relationship anyway? Then instead of having this fun exploratory session you have arguments and flying objects, un-met expectations...such a hassle over a basic genetic need to copulate, and hell I don't even want children I'll wear a condom to prevent that.

Now I know I have just prevented myself from sleeping with 90% of any number of women who know me and will read this but let me set this straight.

I'm really just trying to convey the idea that sex is not an emotional act.sex is a chunk of skin holding in a lot of blood being shoved into a skin receptacle. And male cats have barbs on their penis to keep the female cat on it... so seriously at least we aren't cats.

Also I had this sex story in my head.... but you'll have to ask to read it cuz I'm like that.

And the Christmas seasons rushes in yet again...aparently my warnings wont stop this behemoth.

You know I have nothing against the season, the person the season is supposedly for (even though he gets two...what a hog). I take issues with the people hypocritically spouting off their nonsense and then shooting each other and stampeding retail employees.

Seriously. Toys, gifts, bullshit. All I want for Christmas is the National realization of the ignorance involved with consumerism. People say communism is evil...and when I say people I mean ignorants and the people that think the world owes them something. I know people who think that Obama is going to take money away from them and give it to "lazy black people who don't want to work", now this is racist and the people who said this to me don't try to hide it but still.
My idea of communism may be off or skewed but this is how I see it.
We all do something. We are all well educated because that's how it should be. We all have what we need and access to what we want. No one is better paid simply because of what they do. No one is left hungry because come on...there is enough shit to do in this world...and we can always cut the work week in half. and create twice as many jobs. Ahaha see. Now, I understand that it is not that easy. But it is plausible with a global economy. instead of paying the people who make cars 30$ an hour they can make 10 an hour. The children in sweatshops in china and the Philippines...they wont be working, they will be in school and their parents can make 10 an hour doing the work. See how this all works... you cut out the fucking ultra rich ceo types because they're fucking not worth the money and everyone benefits. Don't tell me that the American Billionaires drive our economy, that's bullshit of they made just as much as everyone else there wouldn't be an economy to drive, it'd be called the steady rhythm of life. Think of a 20 hour work week, one that still enables you to survive the same way you do. Except that you'd have more free time to socialize, spend with your children, chase tail, get fucked up, learn, whatever the fuck you want.

That's what I want for fucking Christmas.


That and an acoustic guitar,a 12x12 wacom intuous tablet, and to put my p in a v.

I'm simple like that.

And maybe an editor for my blog.


On a lighter note. I don't know why but I've been boycotting waking up in time to go to class. I wake up naturally before 10 am rarely do I sleep later and if I didn't have an alarm going off at 6 am I'd probably wake up at 8 no issues.

And here's a riddle for you. What's worse than Rat's running around in the ceiling?

Cat's trying to get your attention and affection while you sleep that's fucking what. It's be cute if it happened to anyone else, but the warm fussy feeling wares off rather quick when I realize it's 2 am and my cat is crying and putting his little cat paw through the hole he just made in the ceiling panels...I really fucking hope there's no asbestos in them.

pure white snow.

My icy heart melts at the sight of undisturbed snow. I am filled with wonderment s it crunches underneath my feet. Trees never look so beautiful as when they are entirely covered like they were when I drove to Colorado a few years back.

I drove home early Sunday morning and was greeted by the level ivory fall. I decided to take a walk in the still morning. The wind was calm but it still bit the tips of my ears. It is refreshing, every step leaving behind me taint from this year. The second time around I feel strong, I feel as if I am now leaving behind me all that I cannot bare anymore. The third time around I see how my tracks differ and I walk between them. I realize that nothing is truly left behind, only dragged by the chains of memories further and further away from where I stand now.

I wish I were more like the snow. Able to leave and be forgotten till next I come around to be beheld. To come and go at whim. To drift away when it's time.

I wish I could end more nights like that, With proper reflection and thought around such a calm and serene setting. I like that feeling of being truly alone and left to myself, away from the judgements and follies of others.