Being scared of yourself for the sake of others.

I'm not a small individual.
I'm not the happiest of people.
I've been through a lot of really stupid bullshit, and I can remember a lot of it happening to me as a child.
I've been hurt a few times when I deserved and a few times when I did not.
When I have hurt others though...I can't justify it. I look back and am horrified at some of my actions. My Mr. Hyde is no John Malkovich. My caged beast is a cross between a rabid lion,a great white shark, and one of the kind of lunatic that will destroy themselves to hurt someone else. I keep this monstrosity tucked away so well that it doesn't get loose unless I want it to. The current issue being , I find myself with a white knuckle grip on the key more and more often. Much like Malkovich's portrayal in the cinematic rendition of the great story, I like it when the beast is out, I like the alpha male feelings and how powerful I feel when I'm in that moment, I just don't like the regret that comes later.
Last night an acquaintance unwittingly rattled that cage. I now believe that it was just him being a putz and me having had some whiskey in my system couldn't really tell until I saw a smirk fly to another acquaintance followed by a quick wink. What scares me is, the prospect of someone half my size getting mauled by me, alienating friends, having to live with yet more guilt. What scares me is how the key tends to rest inside the keyhole, how my thoughts bend more towards why I should instead of why it's best not to.