The "Scene"

I've been going to the bar more often these days as tends to be my patter, but lately there's a difference. I spend more time focusing on the ladies and less time focusing on how much alcohol is in my drink. I'm not saying that in the past my focus wasn't primarily on the warm glow, floral scent, and alluring looks that just happen to make up a large part of what I remember of women I meet, I'm just saying that now I notice more and more about them, like...their flaws.
All the hetero-sexual men out there know what I'm saying; that barrier that beer goggles blast through with the quickness is impenetrable (for lack of better terminology) when the beer goggles are put away under lock and key. Women I would have drooled over when I was 21 annoy me with their talk of drug use and tales vulgar sexual experiences. I mean, a 4 some with 3 guys you've never met while on ecstasy? Why do you feel the need to tell me of this with a smile ladies? Or better yet your two divorces and 3 children? You know I try my best to be non-judgemental but somethings you should keep to yourself. Yes,you...the one in the low-cut shirt who can't handle her booze but keeps slamming them down because of how cool we all know throwing up on yourself with a smile is.

and the sigh is next.

Now I've met more then few quality women lately and in typical Jolly fashion I missed cues or inserted my feet into my mouth like I was a fat kid and my feet were cake. This is ok though, it's all learning experiences and in such a way enlightenment. I find myself working out harder, and thinking clearer without the mental impairment that follows a night of drinking. That emotional void that comes with excessive drinking and night of disappointment. You see now when I drink, a few drinks is great, a little conversation, some flirting...that's a night I can appreciate...so why does it always seem I'm being rushed to make my move? Why must I make every woman into a conquest? I'm not 19 or ever twenty-one anymore, I like to be mentally stimulated before being physically stimulated...especially when it it comes to bar flys and random women I just meet.

It's all a mind fuck, and yet my hormones walk me back to the local bar every Wednesday, my mind hoping for an intimate conversation powerful connection while my body tell me to pounce on the prey, pounce and conquer...an odd paradox this human existence brings about and one I can't claim to understand, how I go from being hormonally and physically driven to having all that over-ridden when I stop drinking. What other curve balls ya got bitch? I'll keep swinging and the homeruns'll come as often as the outs I ain't scared.

Being 25 if judged by the days of the previous week has been,

the best year of my life. No seriously I know what you're thinking , "Fuck yeah it has!" and you'd be right.
Being sick can't bring me down today.
I feel good. Have since Wednesday of last week. I smell change.

As I near my first milestone.

That's right, in a few days I shall be a quarter century old.
I am trying to take it in stride and so far it is working.
I feel like I've really made some big steps this past year.
I have made new friends and developed skills I didn't think I had.

I will be celebrating at a local Irish pub, not just the turning of the clock but also my friends and family. I will raise my glass to those who are there and to those who couldn't make it. I'm thinking of even writing a special toast...at least I'll make a good one.

To my friends who read this, thank you for making my life livable.

So I've decided.

I'm going to take a proactive approach to the bs I'm going through and I'm going to start keeping track of how often I'm depressed/manic/normal. Hopefully this will give me greater insight into what's going on. on top of that I'm going to start keeping a detailed boring log of my daily activities. Get ready world here comes too many details.

Rough.

It's rough waking up sometimes. I find myself in the grip of anxiety. Asking myself ,"why bother?"

I am starting to believe that my lack of motivation may stem from said ,"Why bother?" attitude, however the anxiety that the attitude is part of is every bit as real as the toothpaste I just used to brush my teeth. An unshakable gloom over all of my thoughts. This along with my depression makes me lethargic and unwilling to go out into the world. I fight and struggle with this often, luckily not every day and I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better, that's my weapon, slight knowledge and positive thinking...and sleeping off the negative thinking. I just need to learn how to put all the negative stuff into the back of my mind when it's at the peak of it's capabilities. But I have my whole life to figure it out and I'd be surprised if it takes less than that.

I really don't get it.

Why I'm unmotivated.
Why things I really enjoy quickly bore me.
Why I'm depressed.
Why I feel so weak.

I know it's futile to regret , but I also feel so melancholy when I think about what I could have done with my life if I'd never had a beer,never become addicted to sex, never been put on medication for my various neuroses.

If depression is the bitch who tells you she can't stand you but never lets go of your arm., then regret is her younger hotter sister that you can't get out of your mind because depressions is always there to remind you.

I will be 25 in less than two weeks. I have accomplished nothing except many many failures.
My friends rarely answer my calls, all the loves in my life have abandoned me. I just feel like shit. Worthless. Unable to do what needs to be done. I can't get a job...I can't even get an interview. I feel so confused about what I want from life. I feel empty and lonely and all I can do about it is bitch to myself and then post that onto the Internet.

I think I'm already elderly

That is to say that since I've backed off the drinking, I go to bed early and people seem to give me the half attention that seems more appropriate to a 95 year old senile who can only tell that one story about word war deuce. Sad thing is I feel that lately I have nothing more interesting to say. I feel my stories and jokes are stale, my humor is too far in left field, and that no one really wants to interact. Though all of this is likely a depression/anxiety linked issue, I can only see that being about 25% of the whole picture. Maybe my depression is affecting me more than I wanted to admit? I really don't know anymore.

did you know that ...

in Finland you have to to do a power slide to get your driver's license and it takes three years to get your full license.

Funny to me that here in the states if you're caught doing a power slide you get fined.