How am I?

Well here we go, the initial post. Make it grand or, no one will return right?
Fuck that.
I don't really know how to tell anyone about me. I'm; loud, eccentric, perceived as rude, quite possibly sexist, chronically depressed, apathetic, lazy, I over-analyze everything which tends to make me irritated at my options and random in my responses, I offend people regularly even if I like them and vice versa, I enjoy a good run on sentence, I have no qualities which I feel make me an adequate member of American society.
And fuck all that.

My I.q tends to climb every time I take a damn test...I just wanted you to know.

I am phony-tough and crazy-brave.

I don't find it to be a sign of intelligence to punctuate properly, or maintain perfect spelling...I think it's just anally-retentive and borderline O.C.D, but I got dictionary.com at the ready just incase I doubt myself. And also I write this for me. So everyone else is free to feel anyway about it and I am free to hate or like you for it.

I don't really know why I'm starting a blog. For the most part I am boring and obtuse, some would argue insane, and plenty would mistake me for dangerous. I guess I just want to have a record of my goings on. Whether it's public or not didn't really matter to me but I figure if I can get people to laugh at my when I tell of my dumbassery then it may just motivate me to write a best selling memoirs (I don't really care to check dDOTc to see if that's plural or not...fuck it).

So if you got this far here is the story from the night preceding tonight. A winter night of commentable not-so-coldness. A November night involving legal booze and locking my keys in the car. A night consisting of laughs, feats of strength, and just being in my own little world as people try to talk to me...people being turbo hot women, and a person mumbling at the lcd tv's.

It all started out innocuously , the plans were to bring a party of heathens to my local Wednesday hotspot, The Mainstreet Bar and Grille. Wednesdays are karaoke, and birthday night. your birthday happens one week a year, and Mainstreets congratulates you on this yearly achievement by offering you a plastic mug, a t-shirt, and free drinks (all so long as you remember to bring your party of four) so as best to allow you to enjoy people singing karaoke on stage before your very eyes...also you get a free appetizer but not the sampler.

Anyway I can see your a.d.h.d based attention spans wandering away with the quickness as I tend to be long in the tooth so I will continue on with the tales of bravery,song, and women, but mostly bravery.

The plans changed ever so quickly as they invariably do. There was to be no party Just the good son of Brynild and I were to dazzle the fine patrons with our presence's* and good humor. So with a quick question and ever so quick response it is decided that an outside bottle of Windsor should be purchased to offset the use of over-priced under-tasty rail whiskey ( we are so cheeky).

So it is settled I am taxi, I am drinking, I am going to do stupid things.**

I still however want this shindig to be big, I like being around my friends and I feel the more the merrier. I call a few more friends; one answers and is already drunk and going to drive to someone else's place, amidst my objections he brakes into racing terms and decides it's time to go so that conversation is over. ***

I leave my domicile, purchase the dark nectarlicious liquor known as whiskey and traverse through our fine city by highway to the Hacienda la Friendship. When I arrive Andy Brynildson greets me with a smile and drinks are poured, drinks are drank,ghost hunters is watched and by me talked of poorly, more phone calls are made, against odds another friend is reached, Chris or as I remember him from Junior High "shaggy". Chris is a Wednesday night regular, a lover of Karaoke, and obviously a long time friend, he says he may show up (generally indicative of one thing). I inquire about our good friend "The Popular Nate Bash" and the answer is not positive. The night is starting to look negative. Is there something afoul running it's course through the luck of this Irish?
Well I'm kind of bored of typing this all out so long paragraph shortened I find out that Nate is less than a mile away from the Haunted Mansion and this taxi picks up another fare and also Chris decides to show up as well. (Someday I'll get this long-winded shit out of my system.)

The night as it happens at the bar.

I didn't have a strong drink (according to Andy) at the mansion so when Andy suggested that He, Nate, and Myself take a swig of our fine Canadian whiskey from the trunk of the car, a unanimous agreement is voiced and we all partake. And we all regret this choice as Windsor should never go without it's bff "The Chaser". We jostle our way through the parking lot and by the amount of cars sitting in silence between the old painted white lines I knew it to be busy inside...There would be women...and I would probably not talk to them very much...but that is ok as my sex drive has been in park recently.
We go inside and it is packed (for a Wednesday night) I sense Andy's disgruntled feelings of his previous visit in which he only got to sing one song, Nate swiftly makes his way around and Andy sidles on up to the bar to order what I thought was just dark carbonated soda. He ordered two and gave me one. I make haste to the trunk where my friend from north of our border waited to greet me with a sharktoothed grin...I am driving tonight so I decide not to pour much of W into my coke. I try to finagle the bottle into my jacket in such a way as not to be conspicuous. This doesn't prove to be difficult...all my jacket's pockets have holes in them some are quite large and they all lead into the middle of my jacket were it is sparsely filled with a fabric...possible woven gold because that jacket is ever so warm....and the bottle indeed fit...but it also made a bottle shape in my jacket.
I decide to remove my jacket and carry it in as to be sly and stealthy...it is then that I realize; 1. it is a very nice night out without the wind blowing, 2. It was already a whiskey coke and therefor I poured way too much whiskey into my whiskey. Well the gods smile upon me with teeth of brilliant white, or they laugh at me with black-toothed grins. I care not as I make my way back inside, thinking to myself ,"Fuck salt!" and I giggle . Inside it is warm...too warm to be anywhere near the green ball of woven uranium they call a military parka so it makes a few trips in and out of the trunk of the car...in the process of these trips I earn the nicknames "Badger" and "Wolverine" . Chris shows up around the first time out...The conversations normal people don't have start as soon as chris Nate and I get together ...I immensely enjoy the comfort levels I share with both Nate and Chris...verbal buffers are no longer necessary. The three of us have an interesting talk about exactly what you would expect three heterosexual unfiltered men would;women and std's. Chris decides to go inside where Kumari (sp?) is waiting for him, and Nate talks to Lisa (another Wednesday regular) I feel as if I am in the way of everyone who happens to be around the heat...mushroom (I'll take a picture this weekend so you know what I'm talking about.) because as an already large man wearing the jacket makes me have the perceived bulk of a man 40 pounds heavier (that would make me appear to be damn near 300 pounds for those keeping track at home) so I take off the jacket and on my way inside, Lyndsey shows up, she made her way from the front of the bar to where I was at the back and completely missed Andy. I find humor in this as I have done the same thing involving different people. I accompany her inside and to the table (I don't make introductions as at this point I am hyper,cold,and hot from carrying the parka around. I sit down in an uncomfortable position between the two tables we have together for the gathered group of regulars and the booths...I have the foresight to know that it will be a problem for me later but for the next 3 minutes I am ok with it. I am right next to a table full of attractive women...there are four of them, I've never seen them before, It must be someone's birthday, but for now I ignore them I have too much whiskey in my system from my whiskey whiskey soda, I get water, I drink water, I sit back down and realize that Andy is in a bad mood...I missed him sing but I don't think that's the issue the issue is the crowd is lack-luster, not including the table full of beauties directly behind me. They have a full view of my hairy ass thanks to the shirt that apparently shrunk in the wash (I feel bad for them, because it is painfully obvious since they are shorter than the back of the booths that the only thing they really can see is my plumbers crack...I fidget with my shirt for about 5 minutes and then give up).
I go outside to socialize with the smokers,Nate Jumps over the wooden fence that makes up "the smoking patio" I am impressed but decide not to try it, I ask a buddy if he has any potent smokables...and we go to smoke...I hide my keys in a coffee cup in the car in case the police decide to pull that "you had your keys, you had the intent to drive, that's a dui" bullshit. The conversation is short but the smoke is good. I am now in a realm that I prefer to be in whist in the comfort of close friends and a quiet place. I am drunk.I am high. But I enjoy it because it feels like I am in direct control of the universe...it's very hard to explain.
I go back inside conversation begins anew .Andy, Lyndsey,Logan and I have a conversation regarding I don't know what (being in control of the universe means giving up the ability to really follow what anyone says for a brief period of time) Lyndsey, Andy, and I continue talking...everything I say is so random that I don't bother to listen to myself .I am focusing on Saturn's moons , and nebulae yet undiscovered.
A woman I think is an old buddy of mine's mom is on stage...she sings horribly, she is what I determine to be ninety but she has amazing fake breasts and isn't ninety, But I think it's funny, someone's great grandma is out in a bar singing poorly and showing off ample cleavage to people...I'm astounded by this ,and her having fake breasts becomes my topic of choice for the evening.
I talk to the table of women, the birthday girl is 24,I make poor conversation and don't receive any kind of vibe that leads me to think they are able to deal with all that is me. Conversation immediately stops on my part but I think Nate takes over. This is fine I am not capable of being suave at the moment.
Andy eventually sings again... A John Cougar song, I think it's we own the night.He does remarkably wel.Sometimes I amazed that people have so much talent...considering my talents consist of pissing people off,creating uncomfortable situations for my own amusement, arguing , and every once in a blue moon I can hold a good conversation. I am now looking inwardly and realizing that I hang out with an individual who can entertain people with humor and also music. I am humbled, yet still in control of the universe.
Andy mentions our friend whiskey and we make or way out to the car. I reach into my pockets and my keys aren't there. The universe has just imploded . I freak out internally. If I had outwardly reacted the way I felt inside I probably would have screamed and run around the parking lot yelling at the top of my lungs to run way from the black hole that has sucked into it everything I've ever loved. Instead, I walked into the bar to check my jacket ,the key's are absent from the pockets. I figure they could be inside the jacket,wrong again. I get a water, I slam the water, I feel better, I remember the keys are in the coffee cup, sitting in the cup holders. I want to smart myself.
I ask Chris to borrow his car, he lends me his keys and we take the bad dogs to the pound, I get another water, I embark.
Chris's car is awkward, It has a front bench seat, the steering wheel is crushing my femurs,the anti-lock light is on. I have a bad feeling about driving the it.
Murphy, of Murphy's law fame decides to talk to me, he says , "What can go wrong will, also have you tried a lanyard?". Murphy and I laugh and I drive off.
The car drives fine but there is something funky with the brakes, I decide that If I have to stop suddenly for children of the elderly that I'd rather just not attempt it and hope for the best.
I get home, I get the spare keys, I get yelled at for smelling like booze (oddly enough at this point in time it is 11:30 I haven't had a drink in over an hour and after those two waters, I am sober, stoned...but sober. I have have a very heart felt reply to being yelled at but I don't say it. I walk away with the spare key and am told to lock the door ...I can't, my key's are in my car...in the coffee cup I left them in earlier... I just leave. I get back to the bar I get my keys and I walk back to the bar. Someone yells something to me but I cant quite hear them , I am still in my own world. I'm like a child marveling at my accomplishment ,"Did you get your keys?"
it is Andy and yes I have. The whole crew is outside Nate, Kumari,Lisa,Andy,Lyndsey,and Chris. I am in a very good mood and feeling adventurous . As I near the smomer's paradise the fence looks like child's play so I decide to try to hop it at a point where it is as tall as my nose. I decide that this is a good idea and nothing bad can come of it besides falling straight onto my face or looking stupid. I decide that I might as well try to see if working out at home has paid off. I put my hands on the top of the fence, I push down and jump up and I am airborne, I've never jumped so high from solid ground it feels awesome I am up and over the fence, I am falling, I notice the ground slants ,I land...poorly. I fall backwards and try to grip the fence with my right hand as it is still attached to the top of the fence. I hope I don't knock over the heating mushroom and cause a fire. I am swung backwards and my back goes into the corner of one of the wooden tables built into the fence. My grip holds to the fence and the table is saved.I feel like just kicked Jesus in the balls, and hard. I await my applause, I receive concern and bewilderment.Everyone thinks me to be still drunk, this is not the case. Kumari Is amazed and asks me how I did it...determination that is how. Lisa thinks the table went right into my neck, she is concerned. I tell her that the table barely pressed into my scapula, I practically crushed that table with the spade shaped bone of my shoulder. I am all that is man. The excitement is over the night plays out uneventfully I drink much water, Andy Lyndsey and I leave the bar. We go to taco bell..The window gets stuck partially up, it's done that three times this year, it's an easy but frustrating fix. The night ends with me smiling about the fact that I actually was able to jump that fence...Small victories.

I am a man, I am an animal, I live life one step at a time.
My knee is swollen today. I jumped that fucking fence,people were impressed and I'm smiling right now, because that fence is now my bitch.

by the way the cd of the night was Zihn Vo Slavu (live for the glory) by Arkona, the drink of the night was water, and the cheese of the night was not melted.



*after the immediate realization that my original spelling of this particular word, as I was checking dDOTc for the proper one It made me giggle as it reminded me of a Christmas morning long ago, before I told religion to check it's bag of tricks at the door.

** I don't drive drunk, seriously...preach to someone else or you will be eaten and inextricably destroyed through the age old process of digestion

*** my friend passed out before driving and is ok.