Jittery.

So this nervousness is all too familiar. Every time I pack it up I start out gung ho and set out a nervous wreck. It's good to recognize it, and in the end I value my courage to cast off when my legs want to move the least. One in front of the other is the key.

I have felt so stagnant the last few years, unable to shake this feeling of my life ending on such a boring note. I think this exact feeling may have been what drove ancient people out of their grass huts and into the fresh and new. However, what drives me nuts is the knowledge that on any given day I have 100 fold more things to do that entertain me and all without ferocious lion-bear-mammoths trying to fuck up my performance. Yet I have this hole in the pit of my stomach, it pulsates and reminds me that somethings missing. It's not, money,family,friends, or material things...the hole is me not living up to my potential. I may be naive but I after a lifetime of trying here I feel that perhaps the train isn't stopping for me here in The Twin Cities. I feel the plane took off and the airport was shut down for good, the bud departed and the station closed it's doors to the public. I don't like feeling as if I've missed out on my opportunities but everyday I feel more and more of them slip away from me, right out of my own two hands.

No longer will I sit idly back and watch life hand fortune and adventure to those willing to step forth out of line, no I will redraw the line in my favor.I will cheat a bit if I have too...I just consider this outsmarting my opponents. It's not my fault I can count better...don't play poker with me,unless you want me to have your money...second thought playing poker with me is good.

Next Friday. 6 days from now I board a plane. I take a fraction of my possessions (mostly clothes) and I fly off into destiny...or in the very least I land and start collecting stories to regale my friends if and or when I return. Also I will photograph the ocean, sexually. Jokes help me prepare mentally. Jokes are how I have handled many of the great unknowns. Though Jokes don't help you when your psychedelic trip gets out of hand, they don't stop fists or elbows, they don't prevent death. Jokes just set me at ease as all these negative things pummel my brain, they stop the torment for a split second, they make me smile and laugh amidst the screams and howls bellowing forth from the inner most reaches of battered mind.

A heavybag and some boxing gloves wouldn't hurt right now either...but all I have is a bowflex.I better get on it.

Moving.

I started packing ...it's hard to touch all these things and hold their memory out of my mind as I pack them away into cardboard boxes. I feel as if this act itself signifies the end of my life as I know it. In a strange way it is calming and intensifying my anxieties at the same time. I don't know what's on the other end of this move, and that tugs are my flight response. I guess it's the feeling of zero control. I just have to keep moving one foot in front of the other. On lesser levels I've been here before, I'm no stranger to packing up and heading forward into the unknown. It just feels different this time.

I have so many friends, I have developed so many relationships with people. When I was young I wouldn't have thought it possible to have so many people in my life that care about me or my friendship, and now I am giving all that up in order to find myself and learn to support what I find. I fear the worst of course, and I feel it to be healthy, I also find it to be getting in the way. I;m tired of fearing that unknown element behind everything new and exciting. It's a strange paradox to be so scared of what I find myself yearning for;for change, for something exciting and new, for something I can't control but am want to be part of. I've worked so hard for the control I have in life and now I fling myself into chaos with full knowledge that I may not come out on top of this. Maybe that's what I find so appealing...I'm a big fan of sink or swim you see and I just haven't been making any progress with the waters around here. Perhaps I am just throwing myself to the sharks here but would it be worth it to me if it were just a kiddie pool? Not likely.

Anyway, I have nearly all of my movies and video games packed up. Normally I would have taken my time with each title, letting memories wash over me. But I just don't think at the moment I'd really be able to keep everything together with so many pleasant sights, sounds, scents, and the like gripping me by the balls. With so many games and movies I'd could be here for weeks packing them up one by one...so I just grab a fist full and pack them away leaving the nostalgia behind for another day.

I'm throwing a party for myself, I dunno that it's legitimate since I'm doing all the footwork but people have responded well. This only cements my feelings of friendship and I'm hoping I don't garner any more second thoughts during the party.

I'm dwelling on the negatives of my move I suppose, but it's pretty easy to do considering I really have no clue what's waiting for me. I'm leaving my friends, family, and woman I find myself loving. My daughter... I can only hope she understands me someday, I know I'm being selfish but I don't feel like I can live sanely here for much longer. Someday I will be able to make it up to her, I just have to hold onto the hope that she wont hate me forever. I forgave my own father.

Anyway, here's to the new opportunities that await me, you, everyone who has someone to care about them and especially those who don't. Here's to not being afraid to make mistakes, or accomplishments, to the unknown and the healthy fear it causes.

Lets see where this wave takes me.