In order.

I was diagnosed with "Attention-Deficit Hyper Activity" disorder. Sometime soon after that they added anxiety and depression.

I know that after the 80's crack-addled ADD kid boom no one gives a shit and thinks that these two disorders are BS. For a long time I thought ADHD just made me hyper but then I started hearing of other symptoms...like the following I found on webmd.com( http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-adults)



The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:

Chronic lateness and forgetfulness.
Anxiety.
Low self-esteem.
Employment problems.

Difficulty controlling anger.
Impulsiveness.
Substance abuse or addiction.
Poor organization skills. Procrastination.
Low frustration tolerance.
Chronic boredom.
Difficulty concentrating when reading.
Mood swings.
Depression
Relationship problems.
These behaviors may be mild to severe and can vary with the situation or be present all of the time. Some adults with ADHD may be able to concentrate if they are interested in or excited about what they are doing. Others may have difficulty focusing under any circumstances. Some adults look for stimulation, but others avoid it. In addition, adults with ADHD can be withdrawn and antisocial, or they can be overly social and unable to be alone.

(http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-causes

In some cases, though, there is no genetic link to ADHD. Nevertheless, this common behavior disorder is still diagnosed in children whose mothers smoked or drank alcohol during pregnancy. It's also diagnosed in children whose mothers had difficult pregnancies.)

So for a while I myself thought adhd was bullshit and then I read more and more about it. Especially the parts about problems with inter-personal relationships and employment and It makes me take a mental look at my childhood, and the present , and then I think about the future. I see my past that was riddled with prescription stimulants and anti-depressants, lots of time spent under the scrutiny of authority. I see my current self, disillusioned,lonely, and probably about as useful to society as tall grass. I think of the future, what's possible, what's likely, why. I see a lot of negative events, catch-22's,moments of horrible luck, and unmentionable consequences. I also catch some positives, smiles, warm moments shared or experienced alone. But just not enough to really deal with all the bullshit. And I unfortunately am a bullshit electro-magnet... Or maybe I'm just living in one.

Productivity.

Valentines day. 09'

Nine years after the Apocalypse I sit very alone. Not alone in that , "Twilight Zone Post-Apocalyptic " way. More of the ,"I'm real fucking glad I don't have to leave the house today ,the bar crowd is going to to have that sloppy too-much-bacon quality" sort of lonely. The kind that makes you wonder how the rest of the world is feeling at that moment. The kind of moment that no one wants to have before the dawn even has a chance to show it's derriere. A sobering moment of clarity unwarranted, not-signed-for, and hard to swallow. I can't really fathom how the interaction of two people can end in such a conclusion. On a day that's pushed as the most romantic day of the year...I didn't find the cold drive and awkward kiss on the cheek signifying the goodbye romantic as I drove away from the airport. I didn't feel anything much except some confusion (but those who know me well know that's not anything new),and what I can only describe as the sensation of being separated from someone manifest as a breeze soft tug at the back of my shoulder, the twitch in my ribs,the anchored feeling in my chest.

I'm not sad, I'm not angry,I don't have any regrets. I have some questions,though whether or not they are even pertinent to how I feel is something I need to work out in the chaos that is going on in my life. Will they be important when it's time for me to do so?
Anyway on my very special valentines day 2009 I'm going to plug my top 5 lonely valentine's day movies.

1. 2010: A New Odyssey
2. Aliens
3. Kung Pow:Enter the fist
4. Ninja Scroll
5. Akira

Happy Commercialized love in a chocolate/flowers day!

Life teaches.

Life is an odd instructor: at times gentle and sage ;and at others, cruel and witless.

Knowing that there are two sides to this coin is one of the few kernels of wisdom that having learned allows me to trudge through the bog that is (life).

Though as many of us have come to know, the bigger part of that catholic nun/teacher with a giant ruler rests firmly inside her ribcage underneath an ancient expanse of bosom and a drab robe; we call this part human relationships...or the suck for those of us who have battled through the front lines time and again.

I have never really been very good with the ladies in regards to relationships. I'm selfish, lazy,rude, and at many times very obnoxious; though none of this bothers me any apparently women have a hard time getting past all that and falling for me...the cool me that everyone loves and wants to give money too squarely because of how cool I am. I don't really know where I was going with that but I suppose you should all think about giving me money ...in my religion this increases your own cool factors and with enough cool you get to die peacefully and surrounded by friends... of whom namely is me. However, I digress so allow me to return to the appropriate course of topic.

Relationships are odd and awkward and hard to deal with. I notice this trend of single people, you know people like myself. I get into relationships with people whom in the long run have no desire to be with me (how does that happen?) needless to say I spend a majority of my time alone and normally I prefer it that way . Recently however I notice that it has become harder for me to separate from the women I get involved with...maybe it's because I'm getting larger and my appearance becomes more like a mythical bigfoot-esque creature with every passing year, or maybe it's just because I have become fixated on my own flaws and I feel that being left can only be because of one or all of my flaws that obviously are so bad that they lead to my isolation from the fairer sex. You know I just always felt that I was a decent human being but recently I find that I and I are just not good enough to be accepted on a level indicative of connection and humanity.

In my youth I felt like I was incapable of being liked and accepted, I felt ostracized from my peer group and yet I always felt I was somehow superior to them...It was an ego thing that allowed me to continue on with my squalid existence of video games, masturbation, and more masturbation.

Well when I became a man... nothing changed except the amount of masturbation and the amount of internal struggle. So much for childish things so much for the idea of soul mates, so much for love. Love by the way is a dirty idea that came from the mind of Hitler on a meth binge...it's documented.

to rephrase myself; I am no good with the ladies, and Hitler forced this disgusting love on us after a geek out session with Eva Braun (sp?)