Even if I roam only in mind and alone

some sunshine would be nice.

2010-04-04T13:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Journal, I just wanted to say that all these images of ending my own life and feeligns of hopelessness really do not make my days any easier. If you could please talk to my reptillian brain and ask it why it's not letting my survival instincts kick in and wash all of this away I'd really appreciate it...even though I know you aren't real...or even a journal really.

Fuck.

2010-04-01T10:46:00.002-05:00

Again, malcontent and depressed.

I have a hard time seeing the right choice...it's existence really.

If it's the choice I make then it is indeed the right choice correct?

But I feel as if all my choices are so fucking wrong. Leaving the state taught me a lot. Returning taught me much more.

So now I have no income, no job, my car needs repairs... I can't sell it, how long will it run me?

Not that it matters without a job to put gas in the tank. Why did I come back? To get my tools and stay the hand of homesickness...yet now I cant afford to go back, with my tools or not, with my car or not...

Don't get me wrong, I love it here, I just hate it here too.

I think more and more obsessively about joining the millitary...then I remember that I hate mornings, and discipline... and then I think that I'm just a whiny neurotic bitch,and then I ask myself why I can't get a fucking job doing what I'm good at...and finally what the fuck am I good at?

I've been told I need to write out what I want to do with my life...problem is I have no fucking clue, as a kid I wanted to be a transformer...Optimus Prime to be more precise. ..problem with that is I can't survive on diesel and omni-spark...fml.

I do know that I want to drive...or fly...or something...see there's that problem.

Also since I got home, I haven't drawn...I've gained weight, I feel stuck again...in a worse way then just being stuck in my uncles house...it's like my soul is stuck...like the coolant stopped pumping and my soul pistons seized in the cylinders...like I'm really, royally, fucked.

anyway...

Going home for a visit.

2010-03-09T11:54:00.002-06:00

I leave tonight and will be in Minnesota before the birds are chirpin.

I am ecstatic to to be coming home but I still don't know how it's all gonna play out...that reoccurring melodrama that plays out in my head...well some coffee was spilt onto the script before I could read what comes next...but as I see it, that's just the name of the game and I'm just bitching about the rules. I will return home, and I will make my exodus a second time...with my car and tools...and freedom. I look forward to seeing all my friends, and my daughter, and my cats and my family and Minneapolis. Home sweet home.

Prepare for the madness...

So as it goes.

2010-02-26T10:20:00.002-06:00

I tell my uncle I can do the suspension work on his van...I tell him it could take me a week. I attempt the job with basic tools...and it takes me 6 hours of work but a day and a half to do just one balljoint...about a third of the work. Why? Because this job is a royal bitch. And to make it worse every time I tell my uncle what I need when I discover I need it he gets flustered and angry.

I've never done suspension work on an Astrovan...therefor I can't tell anyone with any certainty what I would need besides a full mechanics set...that should have been mentioned but I didn't think I'd have a problem since the local Chevy dealership told me 18 and 21mm sockets should be all I need...well never going to them for service because they obviously employ morons...there hasn't been any 18 or 21 mm bolts yet :) fuck you. I did manage as I said to get one side 99% complete. But the grease gun just wont cut it or even work for that matter. But still to the disappointment of my uncle it isn't finished... apparently when I told him it could take me a week he wasn't paying attention.

All this is adding up.I like it out here in Washington, I just don't feel at home out here and all my friends are back home...more internal conflict...just what I needed.

Almost a month...

2010-02-20T19:56:00.003-06:00

Last night was spent watching at one of the most energetic crowds I've ever seen,in a city I've never been to.

I was terrified, i felt out of place,and my anxiety acted up...but then I calmed down a bit, I remembered why I was there,and though I couldn't bring myself to interact with the crowd I still had an amazing time. I got some good laser photos and saw a lot of interesting people including some really beautiful women...lots of them had dreads...I fucking like women with dreads.

I'm still wrestling with thoughts of returning home...to the easy life...less confrontations, more relaxation, less responsibility...but where has that brought me in the past? Just to more of my basement, tough my basement is comfortable and my bed firm... For now I remain here, attempting more and more change...

3 weeks...

2010-02-15T17:40:00.002-06:00

So I came out here in the hopes of finding something new,something exciting and different, and yet I find myself still without adventure. I'm not saying I don't like playing with lasers and seeing go-go dancers in outfits that would of had them arrested in the 19th century and probably hung in the 17th but I want to test my limits and so far the only thing testing my limits has been blackberry bushes and depression...and not having an actual job.

Besides all that though I am trucking forward. I am succeeding where I would not have been able to in my earlier adulthood and it feels good. I see more things that need work but slowly my fear of that change is fading. I am becoming stronger, wiser, better prepared...but for what? Is the universe sending adventure my way? I wanted to write something of comedic value...but I feel that my life most certainly follows a humorous path inadvertently. Every day life unfolds and irony follows, I find myself in an comedy of celestial proportions...though it's always subtle and takes a trained eye and ear to find the laughter in it.

Like quite possibly travelling half the country just to work in a McDonald's...yeah funny like that.

I...

2010-02-12T20:50:00.002-06:00

Want to be successful in everything I do.

I want to make 500 thousand dollars a year.

I want to be a better father.

I want to be more active.

I want to drive fast cars competitively...a 600 hp Subaru wouldn't be too shabby.

I want to Find a Honda Lock Assembly tomorrow when I check the junk yard.

I want to make new friends and see the ones I already have...Hint Hint mother-fuckers!

I want my own Solar powered passenger jet.

I want to write some good humorous material.

I want to upper deck a golden toilet in a palace somewhere...hopefully the whole room would be gold... someone should draw this out for me,if only for memories I'll never have.

I want 12 wives...I dunno why 12 but it sounds pretty manly...but not as manly as my all volunteer female harem...someday...someday.

I want to write more.

I want to draw myself upper-decking a golden toilet in a golden room in a palace somewhere...

I want to find an appropriate substitute for my ellipses.

I want to get rid of my reliance of spell check.

I want to feel good 85% of the time.

I want many Intelligent,funny and beautiful women to read this and email me, making me laugh and blush.

I want Obama to stop letting rotten politics stop him from doing his job.

I want to exit Earth's Gravity before I am 45 years old.

I want to eat the 22 pound hamburger.

I want to create music you can feel.

2 weeks in.

2010-02-05T08:56:00.004-06:00

I think I need some vitamin d and some vitamin k. Not really the suns been out quite a bit since I've been here...but some things I miss (now in list form:new and fucking improved);

1.A certain someone who calls me fuzzy bear.

2.My daughter, my friends and my cats whom I think of as little slightly retarded and more vindictive friends.

3.My car (being able to get places I actually want to go.)

4.My guitar.

5. The Monday Night Comedy Show http://www.mondaynightcomedyshow.com/

6.Mainstreet Bar and Grille...

7.My bed....this should be number one but I didn't want to look like a dick :)

some things I don't miss.

1.Living with my mom (no offense to you ma but you crazy).

2.not having anything productive to do.

3.not having home cooked meals 3 times a day.

4.not being able to see the mountains.

So as it stands there is something bothering me... Those who know me well know I'm not spiritual or religious,but what many don't know

is that I've been having premonitions since I was a kid. Not often mind you and so far it hasn't been about anything important, more like

being chosen to get the green craft kit for the weekend when I was in kindergarten and then getting it two days later.

Predicting the winner of a "Win Ben Stein's Money" episode while I was taking a nap, and then my trip here to Washington.

Which was about the darkest one I've had . Though Many aspects of my premonition are coming true they have been the positive aspects;

Meeting people, the mountains,the shows...now the darker aspects have yet to fall into play but I'm worried because there were many

aspects to this premonition,I actually saw it three times with different outcomes but they all ended with "Don't go to Washington"

And now experiencing it all and having such strong Deja' Vu my anxieties are acting up like a sunuvabitch.I think it's crazy to believe in it.

I think I'm crazy...like maybe I'm still in the throes of an acid trip and at the end of it all I'll wake up to electro-shock therapy or something equally shitty.

I'm not giving up hope though,things are going well, some things to have not come true yet include getting pulled over without a valid WDL (Washington drivers license)

, a brutal cold snap (could still happen it's winter) and My uncle going ballistic on me. So I dunno what's in store with complete certainty, but If I die from an ear infection

or hurt my back real bad I'll know I'm psychic...what a way to find out...oh also this premonition came to me over two years ago, fuck me dead right?

anyway I've been shooting footage of the shows I've helped with.Taking some Photos and I like it all so far.

Jittery.

2010-01-15T11:53:00.002-06:00

So this nervousness is all too familiar. Every time I pack it up I start out gung ho and set out a nervous wreck. It's good to recognize it, and in the end I value my courage to cast off when my legs want to move the least. One in front of the other is the key.

I have felt so stagnant the last few years, unable to shake this feeling of my life ending on such a boring note. I think this exact feeling may have been what drove ancient people out of their grass huts and into the fresh and new. However, what drives me nuts is the knowledge that on any given day I have 100 fold more things to do that entertain me and all without ferocious lion-bear-mammoths trying to fuck up my performance. Yet I have this hole in the pit of my stomach, it pulsates and reminds me that somethings missing. It's not, money,family,friends, or material things...the hole is me not living up to my potential. I may be naive but I after a lifetime of trying here I feel that perhaps the train isn't stopping for me here in The Twin Cities. I feel the plane took off and the airport was shut down for good, the bud departed and the station closed it's doors to the public. I don't like feeling as if I've missed out on my opportunities but everyday I feel more and more of them slip away from me, right out of my own two hands.

No longer will I sit idly back and watch life hand fortune and adventure to those willing to step forth out of line, no I will redraw the line in my favor.I will cheat a bit if I have too...I just consider this outsmarting my opponents. It's not my fault I can count better...don't play poker with me,unless you want me to have your money...second thought playing poker with me is good.

Next Friday. 6 days from now I board a plane. I take a fraction of my possessions (mostly clothes) and I fly off into destiny...or in the very least I land and start collecting stories to regale my friends if and or when I return. Also I will photograph the ocean, sexually. Jokes help me prepare mentally. Jokes are how I have handled many of the great unknowns. Though Jokes don't help you when your psychedelic trip gets out of hand, they don't stop fists or elbows, they don't prevent death. Jokes just set me at ease as all these negative things pummel my brain, they stop the torment for a split second, they make me smile and laugh amidst the screams and howls bellowing forth from the inner most reaches of battered mind.

A heavybag and some boxing gloves wouldn't hurt right now either...but all I have is a bowflex.I better get on it.

Moving.

2010-01-14T18:23:00.002-06:00

I started packing ...it's hard to touch all these things and hold their memory out of my mind as I pack them away into cardboard boxes. I feel as if this act itself signifies the end of my life as I know it. In a strange way it is calming and intensifying my anxieties at the same time. I don't know what's on the other end of this move, and that tugs are my flight response. I guess it's the feeling of zero control. I just have to keep moving one foot in front of the other. On lesser levels I've been here before, I'm no stranger to packing up and heading forward into the unknown. It just feels different this time.

I have so many friends, I have developed so many relationships with people. When I was young I wouldn't have thought it possible to have so many people in my life that care about me or my friendship, and now I am giving all that up in order to find myself and learn to support what I find. I fear the worst of course, and I feel it to be healthy, I also find it to be getting in the way. I;m tired of fearing that unknown element behind everything new and exciting. It's a strange paradox to be so scared of what I find myself yearning for;for change, for something exciting and new, for something I can't control but am want to be part of. I've worked so hard for the control I have in life and now I fling myself into chaos with full knowledge that I may not come out on top of this. Maybe that's what I find so appealing...I'm a big fan of sink or swim you see and I just haven't been making any progress with the waters around here. Perhaps I am just throwing myself to the sharks here but would it be worth it to me if it were just a kiddie pool? Not likely.

Anyway, I have nearly all of my movies and video games packed up. Normally I would have taken my time with each title, letting memories wash over me. But I just don't think at the moment I'd really be able to keep everything together with so many pleasant sights, sounds, scents, and the like gripping me by the balls. With so many games and movies I'd could be here for weeks packing them up one by one...so I just grab a fist full and pack them away leaving the nostalgia behind for another day.

I'm throwing a party for myself, I dunno that it's legitimate since I'm doing all the footwork but people have responded well. This only cements my feelings of friendship and I'm hoping I don't garner any more second thoughts during the party.

I'm dwelling on the negatives of my move I suppose, but it's pretty easy to do considering I really have no clue what's waiting for me. I'm leaving my friends, family, and woman I find myself loving. My daughter... I can only hope she understands me someday, I know I'm being selfish but I don't feel like I can live sanely here for much longer. Someday I will be able to make it up to her, I just have to hold onto the hope that she wont hate me forever. I forgave my own father.

Anyway, here's to the new opportunities that await me, you, everyone who has someone to care about them and especially those who don't. Here's to not being afraid to make mistakes, or accomplishments, to the unknown and the healthy fear it causes.

Lets see where this wave takes me.

So.

2009-12-06T20:08:00.002-06:00

once again , I find myself treading water in the ocean created by my own madness and action.
Yet this time it is different. Today I feel I know myself much better than I ever have.
This is good, because before I didn't know I was a lovable asshole...it was more of a feeling until recently.
However with all the life and ego affirmation I let things slip, school, child support, my bills. Basically I'm knee deep in a shit sammich and I'm a bite away from being digested...
However I have options. I have options that keep me here in the cities,and one I've been wanting for a long time, which happens to be the chance to get the fuck out of here and start life elsewhere.
Now I really, really,really fucking want to get the fuck out of dodge. It's been a long time coming and I really feel the call man. But I am a smart man, I am observant, and recently I watched a friend of mine choose a similar choice only his was less of a permanent kind of thing. I learned that what you want can break what you have. and what you have can break what you want. It's a catch 22, but my ancestors blood courses through my veins and they were all traveling adventurers, at least the ones I see in my head are and who am I to call myself crazy?
Basically I'm saying I'm out of here in a few months. I don't know if I'll be back. I'm really quite scared. So to the few people who read this and are friends...I need some guidance and I welcome yours.

Naked Party.

2009-12-05T17:19:00.001-06:00

So yeah I went to a naked hippy party last night. There was no sex, just naked people chillin out. Being naked around others in a non-sexual way is quite awesome. In the future I will be a nudist.

If I were to start walking, would I ever stop?

2009-12-02T08:52:00.000-06:00

if I were to start walking woould I ever stop.
I turned my back on you but your blue eyes shine off of every source of light.
II started this journey in the hopes of making it to the top.
But when I think of you my momentum stops.

To be fair I never wanted to love you but I digress
to make a joke now would be apropriate, yet when you smile its if it's already been said.
Yet the fire burns in my heart and tells me to burn it all till the ashes blow away.
and yet there are your blue eyes staring back at me from the flames now long cold,

I know my tempos off and my voice is flat but you never wanted it any other way.
To you I was the world and to me you were the oceans whose bounty I took for granted
Now my heart beats hots with a the torch that has not path to light but back home,
My feet struggle to maintain the step step pattern that always drove me on.

Now I'm stuck in limbo, the fire has spread and now nothing left but ashes and dreams,
The wind carries back to me your voice in the rain, your spirit to drench the fire,
But alas I am still ost and have not your hand to guide me back but if I follow the ashes
back to the source I'd find you there tugging on my heart strings making music for me to follow home.

so.

2009-11-10T09:55:00.002-06:00

I dunno what goes on in my head sometimes. Anxiety attacks, depression, self sabotage.
I went to class today and left before it even started...I had to and I don't know why.
I mean I can guess, I'm sure it has a lot to do with me being so far behind, like every other year.
I have wasted my on an education I am certain I will not be able to utilize in anyway that can be financially beneficial to me.

I feel the wanderlust again but know it wont do me any good. I am discontent with nearly every aspect of my life. I hate knowing that I am fully capable and yet unable to succeed. Im not trying to imply that I live some extraordinarily difficult life, just that I have a exceedingly difficult time maintaining the minimum level of societal progress.

I am beginning to notice that I am less and less comfortable outside of my home, I fear what's out there I guess, I fear failure, I fear that I will somehow end up in a situation I cannot control. I hate being so out of control of what's going on.

Whoa.

2009-10-27T12:24:00.002-05:00

So I just have to say that I'm kind of shocked to see about 11,700 more counts on my counter since my last post. Cool.

Don't let the smiles fool you.

2009-04-01T17:21:00.002-05:00

So today I started reassembly of the engine on my honda magna. I left out the capitol letters because the task at hand is a pain in the ass...it took my buddy and I 3 hours to assemble a small assembly that allows the transmission to shift into neutral...and it's still not done. Seriously...fuck you Honda. I found myself thinking of how much better it would be to work on the old cb350 or even the moped...that isn't officially mine.

Also I recently decided that I am lactose-intolerant...that explains the smell.
And other than that I am peachy.

The "Scene"

2009-03-26T11:18:00.002-05:00

I've been going to the bar more often these days as tends to be my patter, but lately there's a difference. I spend more time focusing on the ladies and less time focusing on how much alcohol is in my drink. I'm not saying that in the past my focus wasn't primarily on the warm glow, floral scent, and alluring looks that just happen to make up a large part of what I remember of women I meet, I'm just saying that now I notice more and more about them, like...their flaws.
All the hetero-sexual men out there know what I'm saying; that barrier that beer goggles blast through with the quickness is impenetrable (for lack of better terminology) when the beer goggles are put away under lock and key. Women I would have drooled over when I was 21 annoy me with their talk of drug use and tales vulgar sexual experiences. I mean, a 4 some with 3 guys you've never met while on ecstasy? Why do you feel the need to tell me of this with a smile ladies? Or better yet your two divorces and 3 children? You know I try my best to be non-judgemental but somethings you should keep to yourself. Yes,you...the one in the low-cut shirt who can't handle her booze but keeps slamming them down because of how cool we all know throwing up on yourself with a smile is.

and the sigh is next.

Now I've met more then few quality women lately and in typical Jolly fashion I missed cues or inserted my feet into my mouth like I was a fat kid and my feet were cake. This is ok though, it's all learning experiences and in such a way enlightenment. I find myself working out harder, and thinking clearer without the mental impairment that follows a night of drinking. That emotional void that comes with excessive drinking and night of disappointment. You see now when I drink, a few drinks is great, a little conversation, some flirting...that's a night I can appreciate...so why does it always seem I'm being rushed to make my move? Why must I make every woman into a conquest? I'm not 19 or ever twenty-one anymore, I like to be mentally stimulated before being physically stimulated...especially when it it comes to bar flys and random women I just meet.

It's all a mind fuck, and yet my hormones walk me back to the local bar every Wednesday, my mind hoping for an intimate conversation powerful connection while my body tell me to pounce on the prey, pounce and conquer...an odd paradox this human existence brings about and one I can't claim to understand, how I go from being hormonally and physically driven to having all that over-ridden when I stop drinking. What other curve balls ya got bitch? I'll keep swinging and the homeruns'll come as often as the outs I ain't scared.

Being 25 if judged by the days of the previous week has been,

2009-03-18T12:43:00.004-05:00

the best year of my life. No seriously I know what you're thinking , "Fuck yeah it has!" and you'd be right.
Being sick can't bring me down today.
I feel good. Have since Wednesday of last week. I smell change.

As I near my first milestone.

2009-03-12T17:53:00.003-05:00

That's right, in a few days I shall be a quarter century old.
I am trying to take it in stride and so far it is working.
I feel like I've really made some big steps this past year.
I have made new friends and developed skills I didn't think I had.

I will be celebrating at a local Irish pub, not just the turning of the clock but also my friends and family. I will raise my glass to those who are there and to those who couldn't make it. I'm thinking of even writing a special toast...at least I'll make a good one.

To my friends who read this, thank you for making my life livable.

So I've decided.

2009-03-05T19:46:00.001-06:00

I'm going to take a proactive approach to the bs I'm going through and I'm going to start keeping track of how often I'm depressed/manic/normal. Hopefully this will give me greater insight into what's going on. on top of that I'm going to start keeping a detailed boring log of my daily activities. Get ready world here comes too many details.

Rough.

2009-03-05T06:49:00.002-06:00

It's rough waking up sometimes. I find myself in the grip of anxiety. Asking myself ,"why bother?"

I am starting to believe that my lack of motivation may stem from said ,"Why bother?" attitude, however the anxiety that the attitude is part of is every bit as real as the toothpaste I just used to brush my teeth. An unshakable gloom over all of my thoughts. This along with my depression makes me lethargic and unwilling to go out into the world. I fight and struggle with this often, luckily not every day and I have come to the conclusion that no matter how bad things get, they can always get better, that's my weapon, slight knowledge and positive thinking...and sleeping off the negative thinking. I just need to learn how to put all the negative stuff into the back of my mind when it's at the peak of it's capabilities. But I have my whole life to figure it out and I'd be surprised if it takes less than that.

I really don't get it.

2009-03-04T17:56:00.004-06:00

Why I'm unmotivated.
Why things I really enjoy quickly bore me.
Why I'm depressed.
Why I feel so weak.

I know it's futile to regret , but I also feel so melancholy when I think about what I could have done with my life if I'd never had a beer,never become addicted to sex, never been put on medication for my various neuroses.

If depression is the bitch who tells you she can't stand you but never lets go of your arm., then regret is her younger hotter sister that you can't get out of your mind because depressions is always there to remind you.

I will be 25 in less than two weeks. I have accomplished nothing except many many failures.
My friends rarely answer my calls, all the loves in my life have abandoned me. I just feel like shit. Worthless. Unable to do what needs to be done. I can't get a job...I can't even get an interview. I feel so confused about what I want from life. I feel empty and lonely and all I can do about it is bitch to myself and then post that onto the Internet.

I think I'm already elderly

2009-03-04T05:40:00.001-06:00

That is to say that since I've backed off the drinking, I go to bed early and people seem to give me the half attention that seems more appropriate to a 95 year old senile who can only tell that one story about word war deuce. Sad thing is I feel that lately I have nothing more interesting to say. I feel my stories and jokes are stale, my humor is too far in left field, and that no one really wants to interact. Though all of this is likely a depression/anxiety linked issue, I can only see that being about 25% of the whole picture. Maybe my depression is affecting me more than I wanted to admit? I really don't know anymore.

did you know that ...

2009-03-01T05:01:00.003-06:00

in Finland you have to to do a power slide to get your driver's license and it takes three years to get your full license.

Funny to me that here in the states if you're caught doing a power slide you get fined.

In order.

2009-02-17T06:26:00.002-06:00

I was diagnosed with "Attention-Deficit Hyper Activity" disorder. Sometime soon after that they added anxiety and depression.

I know that after the 80's crack-addled ADD kid boom no one gives a shit and thinks that these two disorders are BS. For a long time I thought ADHD just made me hyper but then I started hearing of other symptoms...like the following I found on webmd.com( http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-adults)

The following behaviors and problems may stem directly from ADHD or may be the result of related adjustment difficulties:

Chronic lateness and forgetfulness.
Anxiety.
Low self-esteem.
Employment problems.

Difficulty controlling anger.
Impulsiveness.
Substance abuse or addiction.
Poor organization skills. Procrastination.
Low frustration tolerance.
Chronic boredom.
Difficulty concentrating when reading.
Mood swings.
Depression
Relationship problems.
These behaviors may be mild to severe and can vary with the situation or be present all of the time. Some adults with ADHD may be able to concentrate if they are interested in or excited about what they are doing. Others may have difficulty focusing under any circumstances. Some adults look for stimulation, but others avoid it. In addition, adults with ADHD can be withdrawn and antisocial, or they can be overly social and unable to be alone.

(http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-causes

In some cases, though, there is no genetic link to ADHD. Nevertheless, this common behavior disorder is still diagnosed in children whose mothers smoked or drank alcohol during pregnancy. It's also diagnosed in children whose mothers had difficult pregnancies.)

So for a while I myself thought adhd was bullshit and then I read more and more about it. Especially the parts about problems with inter-personal relationships and employment and It makes me take a mental look at my childhood, and the present , and then I think about the future. I see my past that was riddled with prescription stimulants and anti-depressants, lots of time spent under the scrutiny of authority. I see my current self, disillusioned,lonely, and probably about as useful to society as tall grass. I think of the future, what's possible, what's likely, why. I see a lot of negative events, catch-22's,moments of horrible luck, and unmentionable consequences. I also catch some positives, smiles, warm moments shared or experienced alone. But just not enough to really deal with all the bullshit. And I unfortunately am a bullshit electro-magnet... Or maybe I'm just living in one.

Productivity.

2009-02-15T10:22:00.000-06:00

Valentines day. 09'

2009-02-14T05:33:00.002-06:00

Nine years after the Apocalypse I sit very alone. Not alone in that , "Twilight Zone Post-Apocalyptic " way. More of the ,"I'm real fucking glad I don't have to leave the house today ,the bar crowd is going to to have that sloppy too-much-bacon quality" sort of lonely. The kind that makes you wonder how the rest of the world is feeling at that moment. The kind of moment that no one wants to have before the dawn even has a chance to show it's derriere. A sobering moment of clarity unwarranted, not-signed-for, and hard to swallow. I can't really fathom how the interaction of two people can end in such a conclusion. On a day that's pushed as the most romantic day of the year...I didn't find the cold drive and awkward kiss on the cheek signifying the goodbye romantic as I drove away from the airport. I didn't feel anything much except some confusion (but those who know me well know that's not anything new),and what I can only describe as the sensation of being separated from someone manifest as a breeze soft tug at the back of my shoulder, the twitch in my ribs,the anchored feeling in my chest.

I'm not sad, I'm not angry,I don't have any regrets. I have some questions,though whether or not they are even pertinent to how I feel is something I need to work out in the chaos that is going on in my life. Will they be important when it's time for me to do so?
Anyway on my very special valentines day 2009 I'm going to plug my top 5 lonely valentine's day movies.

2010: A New Odyssey
Aliens
Kung Pow:Enter the fist
Ninja Scroll
Akira

Happy Commercialized love in a chocolate/flowers day!

Life teaches.

2009-02-01T11:08:00.002-06:00

Life is an odd instructor: at times gentle and sage ;and at others, cruel and witless.

Knowing that there are two sides to this coin is one of the few kernels of wisdom that having learned allows me to trudge through the bog that is (life).

Though as many of us have come to know, the bigger part of that catholic nun/teacher with a giant ruler rests firmly inside her ribcage underneath an ancient expanse of bosom and a drab robe; we call this part human relationships...or the suck for those of us who have battled through the front lines time and again.

I have never really been very good with the ladies in regards to relationships. I'm selfish, lazy,rude, and at many times very obnoxious; though none of this bothers me any apparently women have a hard time getting past all that and falling for me...the cool me that everyone loves and wants to give money too squarely because of how cool I am. I don't really know where I was going with that but I suppose you should all think about giving me money ...in my religion this increases your own cool factors and with enough cool you get to die peacefully and surrounded by friends... of whom namely is me. However, I digress so allow me to return to the appropriate course of topic.

Relationships are odd and awkward and hard to deal with. I notice this trend of single people, you know people like myself. I get into relationships with people whom in the long run have no desire to be with me (how does that happen?) needless to say I spend a majority of my time alone and normally I prefer it that way . Recently however I notice that it has become harder for me to separate from the women I get involved with...maybe it's because I'm getting larger and my appearance becomes more like a mythical bigfoot-esque creature with every passing year, or maybe it's just because I have become fixated on my own flaws and I feel that being left can only be because of one or all of my flaws that obviously are so bad that they lead to my isolation from the fairer sex. You know I just always felt that I was a decent human being but recently I find that I and I are just not good enough to be accepted on a level indicative of connection and humanity.

In my youth I felt like I was incapable of being liked and accepted, I felt ostracized from my peer group and yet I always felt I was somehow superior to them...It was an ego thing that allowed me to continue on with my squalid existence of video games, masturbation, and more masturbation.

Well when I became a man... nothing changed except the amount of masturbation and the amount of internal struggle. So much for childish things so much for the idea of soul mates, so much for love. Love by the way is a dirty idea that came from the mind of Hitler on a meth binge...it's documented.

to rephrase myself; I am no good with the ladies, and Hitler forced this disgusting love on us after a geek out session with Eva Braun (sp?)

Things....

2008-12-30T12:06:00.002-06:00

I will never do :
Travel to an exotic destination just to sit on the beach.
Resent my father for not being around.
Hate winter.
Give up on my search for meaning.
Have a desk job (again).

I regret:
Being a degenerate.
Taking the medications I was prescribed as a child.
Not finding my voice until recently.
Poor self image.
My financial inabilities.
Not learning any instruments when I had the opportunity.
Not exploring my passions thoroughly.
Selling my crown victoria police interceptor.
The heavy drinking.
Lack of motivation
Not being a better father.

I'm grateful for:
The wisdom I've garnished from my experiences.
My family,friends and pets.
My abilities and the journey it takes/has taken to develop them.
Knowledge and my natural curiosity.
The scent of that paris hilton cologne...seriously the sexiest scent I've ever had the pleasure to experience.
My daughter and I hope she someday understands.
The good and the bad events of my past, I would not be the person I am today without them.

I wish I had:
A full time job.
Health insurance.
The ability to write music/play instruments/sing.
The drive to be better than I am.
More control over my temper.

I wish to do:
Design a car.
Write a book.
Write a song.
Write my biography.
Learn to fight competitively.
Learn to play the guitar,the flute, and the bagpipes.
Race a car/motorcycle professionally.
Teach Minnesotans proper daily driving.
Find the meaning.

The season nears it's end.

2008-12-29T11:38:00.002-06:00

And that means one thing.

I need to find employment.
And to that end I have two good leads. One as a lube tech at the ole jiffy lube, and two as customer service at GNC which would give me 30% off their fine items.

I can do both jobs with my eyes closed and though the pay would most likely be better at gnc I think I'd prefer to be able to just take off oil filters and get dirty.

Also, Becky will be here in a mere week. This is kind of a big deal. If we hit it off she's going to stay. That's big change. And I'm kind of a trog so I dunno if she'll even want to stay the week let alone for good. Though I'm sure the highspeed internet will make her decision swing in the way on staying but we shall see.

And since nothing exciting has happened to me recently I'm not too sure of what else to write about so this post shall be short and end here.

What need does love have for a ring?

2008-12-23T23:01:00.002-06:00

Why does a vow need to be placed on the heart of a woman or a man who says they love each other.
Does a ring need to weigh down the words in representation of the emotion that we seek from another?
Why is it they need to entrap the love they say is strong enough to last forever, till an end comes to their lover?

If this feeling is so strong why must it be locked away in a diamond cage?
if it conquers all then why make it slave to a few words and a shiny hole to place on a finger.
My understanding of my own feelings may be only knee deep but I find the concept to of a ceremony to celebrate a love that has doomed many to be a fools game as it's carried above the head of those who are drowning in tradition.

Being scared of yourself for the sake of others.

2008-12-23T09:04:00.002-06:00

I'm not a small individual.
I'm not the happiest of people.
I've been through a lot of really stupid bullshit, and I can remember a lot of it happening to me as a child.
I've been hurt a few times when I deserved and a few times when I did not.
When I have hurt others though...I can't justify it. I look back and am horrified at some of my actions. My Mr. Hyde is no John Malkovich. My caged beast is a cross between a rabid lion,a great white shark, and one of the kind of lunatic that will destroy themselves to hurt someone else. I keep this monstrosity tucked away so well that it doesn't get loose unless I want it to. The current issue being , I find myself with a white knuckle grip on the key more and more often. Much like Malkovich's portrayal in the cinematic rendition of the great story, I like it when the beast is out, I like the alpha male feelings and how powerful I feel when I'm in that moment, I just don't like the regret that comes later.
Last night an acquaintance unwittingly rattled that cage. I now believe that it was just him being a putz and me having had some whiskey in my system couldn't really tell until I saw a smirk fly to another acquaintance followed by a quick wink. What scares me is, the prospect of someone half my size getting mauled by me, alienating friends, having to live with yet more guilt. What scares me is how the key tends to rest inside the keyhole, how my thoughts bend more towards why I should instead of why it's best not to.

Skewl tis outro.

2008-12-18T10:37:00.003-06:00

What the fuck am I going to do to occupy my time?

Am I going to save the universe from certain peril?

Am I going to volunteer my time to help those less fortunate?

Work so as to be in posession of money?

Make sex with bountiful amounts of goregous women?

Well, I will be working ever so slightly. That much is certain, the rest is just phallacy.

I'm not even certain I'll do more than sit here and or in the chair to my left, though it would be nice to work on my art or figure out what I need to get the motorcycle in my garage running I'm sure I'm just going to sit around by my lonesome. Maybe not all the time, I'm sure I'll talk my way into a few drinks here and there...speaking of, there is half a bottle of red wine and a Sam Adams with my name on them.

To the strangest Winter I remember...

2008-12-17T16:56:00.004-06:00

With your fresh snow falling without rhyme
with the December temperatures feeling like spring
To the birds whom have not migrated
their younglings feeding in the sub-zero winds

To the fun that a rear wheel drive truck brings on slick roads
for those who can't drive and cause us woe
because those same goons end up in the ditch
because snow tires are cheaper in the summer
but apparently in Minnesota, Winter is forgotten by Fall

To the first winter in four years I haven't delivered a single pizza
and for some reason I regret the lack of poor tips
because now I am so broke I would shave a yeti for a penny
because though I can't rhyme or conduct symmetric lines
I wish to write something more than seething hate.

I dunno why but it seemed appropriate to try my hand
again at prose but mainly because of the chirping birds
in the dead of winter they sing to me, a song of perseverance.
Telling me that even when things are rough, they are not bleak.

I find peace in winter, I love the cold,
freshly fallen undisturbed snow coating everything
in every way. Solace from solitude.

2008-12-11T19:03:00.002-06:00

Life is a giant with an apathetic attitude
as we humans do it walks all over the masses
Unable to rhyme it's words into reason
Anger shakes the lace of it's boot

A song sung from a broken voice to me
laced in with sounds of the seasons
leaden heavy with the hindsight of misery
reverbertaing in the eardrums of eternity

as it comes to pass I struck dumb by clarity
it's my addictions that have come to define me
though it's my words that remind me
of my self as a child, a man who used to dream.

A flower blooms to tell the world of it's passing
a tree dies to remind us of our compassion
what is the sum of life if not a ramdon verse
how can we live when we know nothing of the chorus.

Lack of sleep.

2008-12-10T10:03:00.003-06:00

So I spoke with other students today and aparently my instructor is just "nit-pickey" so for now I am leaving the events of the past couple days be.

But I wonder now; did I over-react? Was I right to feel angry? Though I feel I was in the right is it because I just haven't been sleeping well?

meh I don't really feel like writing.

Some things that bother me today.

2008-12-09T21:58:00.003-06:00

My blogs recently have all been negative. Right now I feel fairly negative.
My current instructor seems to be singling me out while I'm in the shop.
Personally I find the way he talks to me to be infuriating, it's as if he's talking to a mentally handicapped individual or a small child. When I arrived into the shop today I walked in set my tools and snow blower down at my bench and proceeded to walk to the punch clock, and on the way there The instructor asked me if I had a pair of safety-glasses today ( I keep them in both my tool box in the shop and in the box of tools bring home every day). I felt that it was a job but I explained that I was merely clocking in before returning to my bench to put on the glasses.

Later on I decided to use a carburetor from the motorcycle I purchased a month or so ago as a project for credit and the other instructor (whom I have no qualms with) said that the carbs from my motorcycle were too advanced...lol apparently I have to wait for the advanced class in order to learn enough about the more advanced carbs. Why the fuck did I pay to take a class that is centralized around the carburetor if I wasn't going to learn enough about them to finish the assigned projects?

Anyway... I spoke with a classmate mitch and we went for a drive...it was calming I really like driving and being in a car. I also love the snow, it makes fucking around while driving much easier, faux drifting I'll call it, using the e-brake on a front wheel drive car to induce a spin that is easy to control and correct. To me driving is therapy and the snow is my prescription. I get back and I realize that I have really nothing to do that requires I be in the shop so I pulled the car into the shop and shut the large slide door so the other students wouldn't get cold, and left my car running as to conserve fuel, I walk to my bench pick up the repair manual for the motorcycle that belongs to (it's been abut 15 seconds since I closed the door) and I ask the instructor if I can take the manual home to study it (I figure the carb can be understood if I can just read more info about it )He responds,"No you can't, Anthony What are you doing?"
I reply, "I'm putting my tools and snow blower into my car"
Dan has that look on his face, the "what the fuck is wrong with you" look and many people in the shop are staring at me which makes me wonder what's going on . It's literally hasn't even been 30 seconds since I shut the door. I don't remember what the instructor said next but it was about my car running, and it was in such a way that I had to shut it out so I wouldn't get pissed off. Another student asks me to turn my car off but again in such a away to imply that I should know not to run my vehicle less than 2 minutes in a well ventilated wide open and very large shop. I feel humiliated, one if the shop doesn't posses adequate ventilation than why are the students allowed to start and run the small equipment and motorcycles,snow-mobiles and the like? My little low-emission Honda shouldn't be much of an issue in that situation. Anyway I tell myself that this situation isn't worth my acknowledgement, I notice I can't even smell exhaust yet but I shut off the car and proceed to put everything into it. I get in and turn it back on...it couldn't have been more than 2 and a half minutes since I shut the garage door I proceed to leave the shop feeling like I've been ostracized and humiliated. If this is going to be a consistent process then I really need to get some outside help with it.

I may not understand this all too well...

2008-12-08T10:28:00.005-06:00

I actually woke up early today, I had breakfast, I warmed up the car, I got to school ,b.s'd with some class mates, went to class on time. Then my so far very short day that began with a chipper yet tired mood, took a southward turn when my teacher dismissed me from class for not having brought a writing utensil and paper.He actually told me to go buy some and then continued to ask me if I'd show up to work without my tools.
I responded , "I'd leave my tools at work"
and he shot back , "well there's an idea".

Now Having cooled off I realize that this was supposed to be a lesson in responsibility, yet I'm not paying money to learn responsibility.
Ido not need to write this simple bullshit down to remember it. I need to practice the theory not gab about it.

Now many could argue that I was irresponsible for not bringing the little satchel with my stationary in it, and I could easily kick you all in the teeth and break your necks without blinking, indeed that is how mad I am about this. His comment about my tools and work are uncalled-for and inappropriate; I am paying to be there not being paid. Now I sit here becoming infuriated as I think about it. What kind of lesson needs to be driven home with degradation,insult, and dismissal? I can't even calm down enough to return to the shop because I fear I might explode in a violent rage.

I don't even know who to bring this up to, I would be unable to calmly confront my instructor about this, and I don't think he would care about my opinion on the matter anyway.
To me this is akin to hiring someone to perform a task and instead of them doing it they take the money , insult me, and then say they'll do it when they're ready. Fuck, it's just unacceptable.

Why Living in Seclusion Is Awesome in Theory Not in Practice.

2008-12-07T11:45:00.002-06:00

I mentioned to my father that I have a deep seated urge to give up this life that society has mandated and thrust upon me forcibly and his response was a very sagacious , "I've been there and done that son, all you get is dirty shoes and a dirty shirt."

However what weighs more; dirty clothes or a clouded heart? I personally cannot answer this conundrum at my current life stage. Though I whole-heartedly believe that the simple life is much easier and fulfilling. Take the Amish for example, they haven't much changed their way of life for whoever long the Amish culture has been. They allow their children a period of time to taste the rat race and yet it seems that they tend to migrate back into the flock afterwards.

Now I'm far too anti-social to live such a simple life with others (unless we add the alcohol and amorous sex) so I find myself day-dreaming of a Jeremiah Johnson-esque lifestyle. Log cabin, hunt for food, and gratuitous amounts of whatever local fauna happens to elicit a mind altering state.

Now I also can chalk this whole frontier fantasy up to my inability to cope with reality, and my feelings that I really hold no part in life, I will not change anything, save the universe from evil, drive a lambo, have all female orgies with super models, or really ever be a good person. But I also think that every person should experience self-prescribed seclusion as to impart perspective, not just seclusion mind you...there are many situations every human should take part in , it would just take me a long time to write them all and at the current moment I don't fucking feel like typing much more.

Actually I feel like I've lost my train of thought.

Hail to the Hammer.

Caution: Over-cooking your Steakums will lead to a condition known as sadness

2008-12-05T18:02:00.002-06:00

and under cooking em will give you parasites.

Anyway, tonight is Frey's Day Nocht (threw in some German for flare).

Chances are I will drink, and tomorrow I shall work. It is getting to the point once again where my self medication is taking it's toll. I am rowing bored once again to the point where I spend hours of my day off sleeping away all the time within which I could be productive.

Not that It accomplishes much more but I resolve to fore go my naps in favor of exercise and drawing practice. Seriously Some of my goals include mastering drawing from my imagination, writing a novel, learning instruments, and becoming a master of the bedroom.

So if you can or are willing to help with any of my aspirations feel free to voice up.

My dirty undies Dude, the laundry, "The whites"

2008-12-04T19:49:00.003-06:00

Why is it bowling itself sucks so hard but bowling-centric comedies are rad with a great message at the end?

Seriously though I hate bowling.

So as to be vulgar....

2008-12-04T13:57:00.002-06:00

Sex is today's topic.

Or rather my lack of.

I could end the blog there and I would probably save you the time of reading exactly what is in the line above, however I feel like writing and I am listening to music, and well it's a fuck-um blog.

I've notice that the premise of sex has been confused, contorted, distorted, and has become something of a misunderstood animal. So here I am to explain.

Sex is a physical and pleasurable act. Now my version of sex involves me and a woman two if I ever become so lucky, but of course there exists all manner of sex, and humans aren't the only ones who make sex. Dolphins even fuck for pleasure I hear, but then again if I had a cock I could wrap around a woman's waist I think it would pretty much remove any pleasure besides shock from their experience with me (I also hear dolphins have a cock they can wrap around someones waist. I will never swim with dolphins). Anyway, the odd thing about this is people (not just women but in my experience I am talking about women when I say people) have the tendency to complicate the fuck-sex. They throw in emotions and stipulations and boundaries...seriously it's no more complicated than my erection gets put into your vagina or mouth . I mean you can put your vagina in my mouth that's acceptable too. So why the fuck does it have to becomes an event involving love, or a relationship? Why would you really want to be in a relationship anyway? Then instead of having this fun exploratory session you have arguments and flying objects, un-met expectations...such a hassle over a basic genetic need to copulate, and hell I don't even want children I'll wear a condom to prevent that.

Now I know I have just prevented myself from sleeping with 90% of any number of women who know me and will read this but let me set this straight.

I'm really just trying to convey the idea that sex is not an emotional act.sex is a chunk of skin holding in a lot of blood being shoved into a skin receptacle. And male cats have barbs on their penis to keep the female cat on it... so seriously at least we aren't cats.

Also I had this sex story in my head.... but you'll have to ask to read it cuz I'm like that.

And the Christmas seasons rushes in yet again...aparently my warnings wont stop this behemoth.

2008-12-03T14:37:00.003-06:00

You know I have nothing against the season, the person the season is supposedly for (even though he gets two...what a hog). I take issues with the people hypocritically spouting off their nonsense and then shooting each other and stampeding retail employees.

Seriously. Toys, gifts, bullshit. All I want for Christmas is the National realization of the ignorance involved with consumerism. People say communism is evil...and when I say people I mean ignorants and the people that think the world owes them something. I know people who think that Obama is going to take money away from them and give it to "lazy black people who don't want to work", now this is racist and the people who said this to me don't try to hide it but still.
My idea of communism may be off or skewed but this is how I see it.
We all do something. We are all well educated because that's how it should be. We all have what we need and access to what we want. No one is better paid simply because of what they do. No one is left hungry because come on...there is enough shit to do in this world...and we can always cut the work week in half. and create twice as many jobs. Ahaha see. Now, I understand that it is not that easy. But it is plausible with a global economy. instead of paying the people who make cars 30$ an hour they can make 10 an hour. The children in sweatshops in china and the Philippines...they wont be working, they will be in school and their parents can make 10 an hour doing the work. See how this all works... you cut out the fucking ultra rich ceo types because they're fucking not worth the money and everyone benefits. Don't tell me that the American Billionaires drive our economy, that's bullshit of they made just as much as everyone else there wouldn't be an economy to drive, it'd be called the steady rhythm of life. Think of a 20 hour work week, one that still enables you to survive the same way you do. Except that you'd have more free time to socialize, spend with your children, chase tail, get fucked up, learn, whatever the fuck you want.

That's what I want for fucking Christmas.

That and an acoustic guitar,a 12x12 wacom intuous tablet, and to put my p in a v.

I'm simple like that.

And maybe an editor for my blog.

On a lighter note. I don't know why but I've been boycotting waking up in time to go to class. I wake up naturally before 10 am rarely do I sleep later and if I didn't have an alarm going off at 6 am I'd probably wake up at 8 no issues.

And here's a riddle for you. What's worse than Rat's running around in the ceiling?

Cat's trying to get your attention and affection while you sleep that's fucking what. It's be cute if it happened to anyone else, but the warm fussy feeling wares off rather quick when I realize it's 2 am and my cat is crying and putting his little cat paw through the hole he just made in the ceiling panels...I really fucking hope there's no asbestos in them.

pure white snow.

2008-12-01T17:56:00.003-06:00

My icy heart melts at the sight of undisturbed snow. I am filled with wonderment s it crunches underneath my feet. Trees never look so beautiful as when they are entirely covered like they were when I drove to Colorado a few years back.

I drove home early Sunday morning and was greeted by the level ivory fall. I decided to take a walk in the still morning. The wind was calm but it still bit the tips of my ears. It is refreshing, every step leaving behind me taint from this year. The second time around I feel strong, I feel as if I am now leaving behind me all that I cannot bare anymore. The third time around I see how my tracks differ and I walk between them. I realize that nothing is truly left behind, only dragged by the chains of memories further and further away from where I stand now.

I wish I were more like the snow. Able to leave and be forgotten till next I come around to be beheld. To come and go at whim. To drift away when it's time.

I wish I could end more nights like that, With proper reflection and thought around such a calm and serene setting. I like that feeling of being truly alone and left to myself, away from the judgements and follies of others.

Why getting together with family can spell catastrophe.

2008-11-30T13:41:00.004-06:00

I hate getting sick.

I hate allergies, fevers, clogged sinuses, headaches.

And that's how I feel right now. Sick.

I never used to care about being sick. I'd stay home from school. Read. Watch t.v. Play video games, and generally by the end of what would have been a school day I'd feel better.

Now a days being sick is scary. What if I need medicine? Surgery? A sponge bath? Well I wont get any of it because I'm not going to pay some asshole doctor that much money for any of it.
On top of it while I'm sick and missing work I'm losing the monies to pay said asshole doctor. Seriously one hour and this doctor makes like 200 dollars... for those out there making 10 dollars an hour that means that you gotta work about 24 hours to pay him for one hour. Seriously how fucked up is that? now people say , "that's what insurance is for" and I say to them, "Yeah 200 dollars a month....or 200 dollars a visit." The shaft makes it's appearance in your rectum in either scenario.

I really hope Obama gets this health care shit right. Also I hope the world rids itself of the need for lawyers. And I really, really really want a brownie right now. : it could be like that episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where they give a christian scientist a brownie baked up with benedryl, except this would just be a none medicinally laced brownie.

I feel like a dwarven family of 8 has made my sinuses into their place of residence.

Also I feel tired and beat up.

Also I feel I should quit bitching and go back to bed.

p.s I noticed there are 33 other brave individuals who all share my occupation of Shit kicking.
I thought I was the only one. I figured I was a lone shit kicker burying the hole (inside reference from back in the day). Anyway I top the shit kicking list. And as number one shit kicker I believe it is my duty to inform you all that we have openings...Inquire within.

Being bored leads to...

2008-11-29T20:27:00.004-06:00

Odd thoughts.

Past relationships. Dead pets. Bad sex.

Forgotten friends. Old Crushes. Good sex.

You know, as a sex addict I believe I have a unique view of things. Things being life and it's encompassed. Life being my life and the story hence. Hence being a word I don't get to use often enough.
We have all come to realize either by actually knowing me or by spending a second or two reading my blog that I am no saint. I have used and hurt others in the past. I have destroyed beauty. I have avoided what I am told is due responsibility. Sometimes I care so much that it makes me weep, other times I just don't care at all. But all the hindsight in the world wont change anything that has already happened, it will only allow me the chance to avoid it all in the future.

So why oh why do I continue to fall into the bad patterns of my relationships, and why is Joe Satriani such a good guitarist?

I'll be the first to admit that I am a horny, overly sexual, semi-sleazeball. I don't honestly know what women see in me. I'm a slob,lazy,have one of the poorest work ethics anyone has ever had. I tend to withdraw from people when I'm angry and or depressed, and yet women are somehow enthralled by me (not all women....like .000006% of 1 %) . I have had women tell me they love me after a week of dating and it disgusted me even when I myself have experienced love after the first night with a woman. Leading me into the fact that I can be a gigantic hypocrite.

I dunno, I generally feel that it's best that I stay out of relationships knowing that it will most likely be a fleeting memory by the same time a year passed or that I will fall hopelessly in love and cause a toxic mass of moments for someone unfortunate enough to make the mistake of getting involved with the [financial] loser I perceive myself to be.

I find it impossible to believe that any woman would choose to stay with me if they knew the path I see for myself . I don't know too many women willing to live in a log cabin on a mountain sleeping on a hide bed and walking on a dirt floor. Or following me through the wanderlust infecting me to the core.

Fuck, fuck sums up the clusterfuck of my current thoughts; sex,violence,women,high speed chases,death, the unexplored and unclaimed adventure...I'd give up everything for adventure.
Seriously, I'd give the testes up for a years worth. I don't remember where I heard/read this but it's said that the only thing left for men in this world is money and pussy. Adventure and pussy is what I need. Life,death, a week of passion....some delicious beer.

I'm tired and random. I guess I'm lonely and anxious to discover our planet Earth...without having to deal with the rest of my species unless I choose to.

Seriously though why the fuck does a man need a passport to walk the globe? What the fuck is freedom if you aren't free to leave through your chosen door? Fuck that moronic counter-productive bullshit, it's all a form of oppression. Fucking telling me where I can and can't go, like I have some kind of chain attached. Fuck.Fuck. Fucking assholes. I'm pissed and going to start drinking.

Ode to the simple life.

2008-11-29T12:34:00.000-06:00

When the days were long enough that fishing meant catching three meals in between cooking them.

When a man could at least think he understood the fairer sex.

When adventure was everywhere for the taking, and the thieving if you had the banjos for it.

When a man could hit another man when he stepped out of line and not have to worry about how the drunk tank would smell.

When manly men like myself were the only male sex symbols around...(you can ask the saloon girls)

When it was ok to shoot animals...because you were not going to die of starvation as long as your rifle had a bullet or your bow an arrow.

When a whiskey was cheap and gas was cheaper.

Yes I talk of the 70's.

Ode to you.

on a lighter note, I just found out that I weigh 260 pounds, and I would like to say that it's all muscle, but that would be a lie, only like 35% of that is muscle...there's a lot of water weight, bones,organs, mc donalds... it all adds up. Needless to say I need to cut a few things out of my diet, cut down on the drinking, start jogging again. Anyway just to put this into perspective if you look up kimbo on youtube...that guy is 6'2 250 ( or something like that) I am 6'1 260.
Now those who know me well know that I wish to be a warrior, but nowadays I'd have to pretty much join the military to be one and I don't do desert. So my other options are ; 1.Join a boxing gym, 2.Join an MMA (mixed martial-arts) gym, 3.pretend to be a bum and do the whole bum fights thing...and though I actually eat every day I really don't know what it feels like to be willing to do absolutely anything for 20$. Needless to say my options are limited., however I am still looking for partners for my brewing/fighting business plan. So if you'd like to help me out with either by donating to the cause you probably know where to reach me...it's called the comment link at the end of this blog.

Seriously why would you not want to pay to help me kick other people in the teeth?

humbling...

2008-11-26T09:40:00.000-06:00

Dictionary.com makes use of serveral uses of the word humbling
I chose the 8th listed (8. to make meek: to humble one's heart. )

I Feel that being humbled is not a bad thing. It creates perspective. Inward perspective that can dramaticaly change how and what is felt by a person in a very short amount of time. Much like a stunt car pulling a 180-degree turn at one-hundred twenty miles per hour. It may not be so dramatic as that, my feelings never leave the sound of screeching tires, and thick white smoke rising from slick tire marks on the ground, but I can hope it leaves an impression for me to look back at and keep the perspective it caused me to see.

Recently I feel humbled much more than I ever have. I don't know if this is based on personal changes or if the overal quality of people I have been interacting with lately could be considered more or less. I know that I have been humbled by friends and aquaintences alike , and resently my own actions have caused me to have a moment of clarity which lead to me feeling as if I had made an agreigous error that though I know wouldn't phase anyone still makes me feel as if it is a wrong that needs be righted.

My memory is probably one of the best of people I know...when I'm sober. I tend to drink a bit get tired and remember bits and pieces of those moments. And recently I thought an individual whom I actually find to be likable had said what I perceived to be some very passive aggressive comments about what I thought was myself. I made a passive aggressive comment back in the same medium and then confronted him in person. He was confused which started the synapses firing. About two hours later I had to stop in my tracks, because I knew I was in the wrong.
My feeble attempt at apology was probably taken for my normal aloof ramblings, and though I wanted to make a sincere apology ,the first one had to suffice. I don't think he was bothered by it much anyway, he let it slide right off.

So I guess, I was humbled by my own foolish behavior but also by the greater actions and mentality of an acquaintance. Perhaps this is a lesson in many things, I would say patience, forgiveness, and friendship chief amongst them.

I'm also trying to say that though I really do write this for myself, ff you can learn from my mistakes then someday you may become one wise grasshoppa.

I'm not very keen on the Holidays, but have a great Thanksgiving. And while you sit around and eat with your family, friends, and or strangers, keep in mind that though this Holiday is steeped in both betrayal and blood it is also a great time to reflect and be with the people you love or at least to give to those less fortunate than yourself. If you have extra time tommorow night donate it to a good cause.

Thanks for reading
JollyMisery

Becuase I'm tired and I ate WAY to fucking much at the bk

2008-11-23T20:08:00.000-06:00

No seriously, there were 9 costumers in the d.i department the entire 4 hours I was there. 9.
None of them bought a camera.
Seeing as how my demonstrations went great but no one decided they actually need the photographic devices they came in to get their kids/wives/dogs/camels enough to purchase them today. I decided to go to Burger King and engorge on tasty fast food. Now those of you who know me well know that I can eat...a fucking shit lot of food. So, a double bacon cheeseburger,fries,8 chicken tenders,a rodeo cheese burger, onion rings, and 3 double cheeseburgers (no pickles on anything), and 15 $ later I am full and content with life...I just need a water and an explanation for why the hell I felt the need to eat so damn much.

On a lighter note I called my daughter's mom to tell her I wouldn't be able to make it to the mall in time to take my daughter to the Underwater World, and she didn't even pick up her phone, and hasn't yet called me back.

Also this may be the last cheeseburger talking, but I am tired as tits at the rodeo. So good night.

If attending The Monday Night Comedy Show has taught me it's...

2008-11-23T01:19:00.000-06:00

If the Gentleperson Who wrote, "The Novelization of the Movie Robo Cop ii" can captivate an audience such as the rowdy bunch at the MNCS:Then I too ,as a trog intellectual could write the greatest story of man...

MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT!

I know that you know expect something grand and entertaining with which you would laugh and marvel.

And this isn't it. This is me working on my skills.

Like writing I hear a male cat making mating calls in my house, and I laugh because he lacks the equipment that would enable him to mate. -IRONY- (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/irony . right underneath dramatic irony (.5) an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.)

See I'm not even sure if that's considered plagiarism. It would be nice to know. Also after f-bombing with that all night I'm almost fucking fed up with writing because I completely Forgot what I was going to write about.

Or that's what I want you to think, And now that you're thinking that my ten minute period of warm up writing will cease at the end of this paragraph will I reveal what I'm actually trying to write about. What I am doing, is exercising my typographical and lexiconic abilities. You see I wish to get all the little stories and ideas I have out there for my own sake, but also because if someone else can make greater good of them they can (with my permission thieves!).

One of my more prominent idea's consists of about 30 seconds of actual story. I can see the main character, in the desert. Once part of an elite fighting squad he is now alone, dehydrated, starving, his bio-mechanical stealth suit is malfunctioning, his prototype weapon full of sand and misery. And you guessed it, there are vampires.

Another story which I've already stated writing a few years ago involves a group of kids finding a random ass cabin, they break into it and then the fun starts.This one started out as a dream of mine actually, the only one that cause me actual panic and pain. I woke up scared of everything around me that's how terrifying it was, though I don't remember all of it, and am a horrible story teller so there ya go.

Anyway anyone who is good with dialogue should give me pointers, I need them.
More on these stories as I develop them.

p.s my writings are full of errors and anyone with editing experience is welcome to correct them for me. You would be doing so for the greater good so I will not pay you, but you are welcome to do it anyway.

With four hours to kill until I walk right into failure.

2008-11-22T10:54:00.000-06:00

Hello ladies, I say ladies in the anticipation that women read this and like me. I leave out the gentlemen because that mix of two words makes me laugh at the irony (I don't even fully understand irony).

Today is the first day of me working an a new project for work. I am now "assisted selling" a different camera brand then I was last year. It should be much easier because it is a more popular brand. The issue with all of this is the company wants me to sell 2 of their top end DSLR's (digital slr's for those who don't know...basically it means Digital spend lots of Rare-monies. I will be in a best buy, in a time of economic hardships, in a rural area of minnesota. it will take me at least 45 minutes to drive there. And all of about 1 minute for the failure to commense. Hunters and fishermen don't buy DSLR's, they buy the cheap point and shoots that basically do the same thing with no lens changing or manual reading. They buy the simple durable camera so their wives and kids can take photos of family,friends,pets dressed as Santa's elves, and scantily clad photos of themselves in the bathroom in which they forgot to flush the toilet after squating a grumpy. I feel that this may be the end of my employment and my high wage making, and therefor Any sugar momma's in the area should submit a bid a.s.a.p so that I may continue to enjoy my chosen lifestyle without fear of having things be repo'd.

I guess the point here is.If you are looking to waste time and hear about the cameras I am helping to sell. Make your way to Rogers mn, stop in at the ebst buy, and then drop about 600$ on a fancy soul stealing device that can be used to impress all your freinds with amazing quality pictures to post on your blog.

I'd buy one...but I know I could buy a car for that price, and cars go vroom.

To all those who made it this far, read further. Also don't steal your friend's girlfriends. Unless your friends are bastard women beaters then it's ok.

Stay true to yourselves or at least to your pets. End.

update. The store in which I am assigned to work this demo until the end of December, does not carry the D-SLR's in which I am supposed to sell....am I set up for failure from the beginning?

Is it wrong of me to....

2008-11-21T09:33:00.000-06:00

Friday.
Morning.
My head hurts, I'm hungry, One job that never schedules me fired me because I have all my weekends full with work from another job. I am generally dissatisfied with the way things have been going...but that's all normal for me.

Tonight is Friday night. I don't feel like going out tonight. I am more interested in taking my daughter to the underwater aquarium at the moa. The thing I find funny about that is that it is more expensive to look at fish than it is to drink and watch a band.

How ridiculous. Fucking fish.

My mood is low moreso because of the way I was let go from the aforementioned job. By email. In what was a negative tone and manner.

But now more than ever I think I want to start my job as a martial arts brewmaster.

What better way to make money than to offer people a vigorous workout and post self-defense beer. Well besides thieving it of course but I am above that.

Seriously though, I can brew beer. I just need the equipment. It's actually pretty fun and I could brew 25 gallons of beer in about 5 hours (more beer with better equipment) The thought of being able to craft a liquid akin to what my ancestors enjoyed appeals to me, almost as much as a sword fight to the death. Anyone interestd in joining me on my fidcuciary endeavors should let me know immediately.

How am I?

2008-11-20T18:40:00.000-06:00

Well here we go, the initial post. Make it grand or, no one will return right?
Fuck that.
I don't really know how to tell anyone about me. I'm; loud, eccentric, perceived as rude, quite possibly sexist, chronically depressed, apathetic, lazy, I over-analyze everything which tends to make me irritated at my options and random in my responses, I offend people regularly even if I like them and vice versa, I enjoy a good run on sentence, I have no qualities which I feel make me an adequate member of American society.
And fuck all that.

My I.q tends to climb every time I take a damn test...I just wanted you to know.

I am phony-tough and crazy-brave.

I don't find it to be a sign of intelligence to punctuate properly, or maintain perfect spelling...I think it's just anally-retentive and borderline O.C.D, but I got dictionary.com at the ready just incase I doubt myself. And also I write this for me. So everyone else is free to feel anyway about it and I am free to hate or like you for it.

I don't really know why I'm starting a blog. For the most part I am boring and obtuse, some would argue insane, and plenty would mistake me for dangerous. I guess I just want to have a record of my goings on. Whether it's public or not didn't really matter to me but I figure if I can get people to laugh at my when I tell of my dumbassery then it may just motivate me to write a best selling memoirs (I don't really care to check dDOTc to see if that's plural or not...fuck it).

So if you got this far here is the story from the night preceding tonight. A winter night of commentable not-so-coldness. A November night involving legal booze and locking my keys in the car. A night consisting of laughs, feats of strength, and just being in my own little world as people try to talk to me...people being turbo hot women, and a person mumbling at the lcd tv's.

It all started out innocuously , the plans were to bring a party of heathens to my local Wednesday hotspot, The Mainstreet Bar and Grille. Wednesdays are karaoke, and birthday night. your birthday happens one week a year, and Mainstreets congratulates you on this yearly achievement by offering you a plastic mug, a t-shirt, and free drinks (all so long as you remember to bring your party of four) so as best to allow you to enjoy people singing karaoke on stage before your very eyes...also you get a free appetizer but not the sampler.

Anyway I can see your a.d.h.d based attention spans wandering away with the quickness as I tend to be long in the tooth so I will continue on with the tales of bravery,song, and women, but mostly bravery.

The plans changed ever so quickly as they invariably do. There was to be no party Just the good son of Brynild and I were to dazzle the fine patrons with our presence's* and good humor. So with a quick question and ever so quick response it is decided that an outside bottle of Windsor should be purchased to offset the use of over-priced under-tasty rail whiskey ( we are so cheeky).

So it is settled I am taxi, I am drinking, I am going to do stupid things.**

I still however want this shindig to be big, I like being around my friends and I feel the more the merrier. I call a few more friends; one answers and is already drunk and going to drive to someone else's place, amidst my objections he brakes into racing terms and decides it's time to go so that conversation is over. ***

I leave my domicile, purchase the dark nectarlicious liquor known as whiskey and traverse through our fine city by highway to the Hacienda la Friendship. When I arrive Andy Brynildson greets me with a smile and drinks are poured, drinks are drank,ghost hunters is watched and by me talked of poorly, more phone calls are made, against odds another friend is reached, Chris or as I remember him from Junior High "shaggy". Chris is a Wednesday night regular, a lover of Karaoke, and obviously a long time friend, he says he may show up (generally indicative of one thing). I inquire about our good friend "The Popular Nate Bash" and the answer is not positive. The night is starting to look negative. Is there something afoul running it's course through the luck of this Irish?
Well I'm kind of bored of typing this all out so long paragraph shortened I find out that Nate is less than a mile away from the Haunted Mansion and this taxi picks up another fare and also Chris decides to show up as well. (Someday I'll get this long-winded shit out of my system.)

The night as it happens at the bar.

I didn't have a strong drink (according to Andy) at the mansion so when Andy suggested that He, Nate, and Myself take a swig of our fine Canadian whiskey from the trunk of the car, a unanimous agreement is voiced and we all partake. And we all regret this choice as Windsor should never go without it's bff "The Chaser". We jostle our way through the parking lot and by the amount of cars sitting in silence between the old painted white lines I knew it to be busy inside...There would be women...and I would probably not talk to them very much...but that is ok as my sex drive has been in park recently.
We go inside and it is packed (for a Wednesday night) I sense Andy's disgruntled feelings of his previous visit in which he only got to sing one song, Nate swiftly makes his way around and Andy sidles on up to the bar to order what I thought was just dark carbonated soda. He ordered two and gave me one. I make haste to the trunk where my friend from north of our border waited to greet me with a sharktoothed grin...I am driving tonight so I decide not to pour much of W into my coke. I try to finagle the bottle into my jacket in such a way as not to be conspicuous. This doesn't prove to be difficult...all my jacket's pockets have holes in them some are quite large and they all lead into the middle of my jacket were it is sparsely filled with a fabric...possible woven gold because that jacket is ever so warm....and the bottle indeed fit...but it also made a bottle shape in my jacket.
I decide to remove my jacket and carry it in as to be sly and stealthy...it is then that I realize; 1. it is a very nice night out without the wind blowing, 2. It was already a whiskey coke and therefor I poured way too much whiskey into my whiskey. Well the gods smile upon me with teeth of brilliant white, or they laugh at me with black-toothed grins. I care not as I make my way back inside, thinking to myself ,"Fuck salt!" and I giggle . Inside it is warm...too warm to be anywhere near the green ball of woven uranium they call a military parka so it makes a few trips in and out of the trunk of the car...in the process of these trips I earn the nicknames "Badger" and "Wolverine" . Chris shows up around the first time out...The conversations normal people don't have start as soon as chris Nate and I get together ...I immensely enjoy the comfort levels I share with both Nate and Chris...verbal buffers are no longer necessary. The three of us have an interesting talk about exactly what you would expect three heterosexual unfiltered men would;women and std's. Chris decides to go inside where Kumari (sp?) is waiting for him, and Nate talks to Lisa (another Wednesday regular) I feel as if I am in the way of everyone who happens to be around the heat...mushroom (I'll take a picture this weekend so you know what I'm talking about.) because as an already large man wearing the jacket makes me have the perceived bulk of a man 40 pounds heavier (that would make me appear to be damn near 300 pounds for those keeping track at home) so I take off the jacket and on my way inside, Lyndsey shows up, she made her way from the front of the bar to where I was at the back and completely missed Andy. I find humor in this as I have done the same thing involving different people. I accompany her inside and to the table (I don't make introductions as at this point I am hyper,cold,and hot from carrying the parka around. I sit down in an uncomfortable position between the two tables we have together for the gathered group of regulars and the booths...I have the foresight to know that it will be a problem for me later but for the next 3 minutes I am ok with it. I am right next to a table full of attractive women...there are four of them, I've never seen them before, It must be someone's birthday, but for now I ignore them I have too much whiskey in my system from my whiskey whiskey soda, I get water, I drink water, I sit back down and realize that Andy is in a bad mood...I missed him sing but I don't think that's the issue the issue is the crowd is lack-luster, not including the table full of beauties directly behind me. They have a full view of my hairy ass thanks to the shirt that apparently shrunk in the wash (I feel bad for them, because it is painfully obvious since they are shorter than the back of the booths that the only thing they really can see is my plumbers crack...I fidget with my shirt for about 5 minutes and then give up).
I go outside to socialize with the smokers,Nate Jumps over the wooden fence that makes up "the smoking patio" I am impressed but decide not to try it, I ask a buddy if he has any potent smokables...and we go to smoke...I hide my keys in a coffee cup in the car in case the police decide to pull that "you had your keys, you had the intent to drive, that's a dui" bullshit. The conversation is short but the smoke is good. I am now in a realm that I prefer to be in whist in the comfort of close friends and a quiet place. I am drunk.I am high. But I enjoy it because it feels like I am in direct control of the universe...it's very hard to explain.
I go back inside conversation begins anew .Andy, Lyndsey,Logan and I have a conversation regarding I don't know what (being in control of the universe means giving up the ability to really follow what anyone says for a brief period of time) Lyndsey, Andy, and I continue talking...everything I say is so random that I don't bother to listen to myself .I am focusing on Saturn's moons , and nebulae yet undiscovered.
A woman I think is an old buddy of mine's mom is on stage...she sings horribly, she is what I determine to be ninety but she has amazing fake breasts and isn't ninety, But I think it's funny, someone's great grandma is out in a bar singing poorly and showing off ample cleavage to people...I'm astounded by this ,and her having fake breasts becomes my topic of choice for the evening.
I talk to the table of women, the birthday girl is 24,I make poor conversation and don't receive any kind of vibe that leads me to think they are able to deal with all that is me. Conversation immediately stops on my part but I think Nate takes over. This is fine I am not capable of being suave at the moment.
Andy eventually sings again... A John Cougar song, I think it's we own the night.He does remarkably wel.Sometimes I amazed that people have so much talent...considering my talents consist of pissing people off,creating uncomfortable situations for my own amusement, arguing , and every once in a blue moon I can hold a good conversation. I am now looking inwardly and realizing that I hang out with an individual who can entertain people with humor and also music. I am humbled, yet still in control of the universe.
Andy mentions our friend whiskey and we make or way out to the car. I reach into my pockets and my keys aren't there. The universe has just imploded . I freak out internally. If I had outwardly reacted the way I felt inside I probably would have screamed and run around the parking lot yelling at the top of my lungs to run way from the black hole that has sucked into it everything I've ever loved. Instead, I walked into the bar to check my jacket ,the key's are absent from the pockets. I figure they could be inside the jacket,wrong again. I get a water, I slam the water, I feel better, I remember the keys are in the coffee cup, sitting in the cup holders. I want to smart myself.
I ask Chris to borrow his car, he lends me his keys and we take the bad dogs to the pound, I get another water, I embark.
Chris's car is awkward, It has a front bench seat, the steering wheel is crushing my femurs,the anti-lock light is on. I have a bad feeling about driving the it.
Murphy, of Murphy's law fame decides to talk to me, he says , "What can go wrong will, also have you tried a lanyard?". Murphy and I laugh and I drive off.
The car drives fine but there is something funky with the brakes, I decide that If I have to stop suddenly for children of the elderly that I'd rather just not attempt it and hope for the best.
I get home, I get the spare keys, I get yelled at for smelling like booze (oddly enough at this point in time it is 11:30 I haven't had a drink in over an hour and after those two waters, I am sober, stoned...but sober. I have have a very heart felt reply to being yelled at but I don't say it. I walk away with the spare key and am told to lock the door ...I can't, my key's are in my car...in the coffee cup I left them in earlier... I just leave. I get back to the bar I get my keys and I walk back to the bar. Someone yells something to me but I cant quite hear them , I am still in my own world. I'm like a child marveling at my accomplishment ,"Did you get your keys?"
it is Andy and yes I have. The whole crew is outside Nate, Kumari,Lisa,Andy,Lyndsey,and Chris. I am in a very good mood and feeling adventurous . As I near the smomer's paradise the fence looks like child's play so I decide to try to hop it at a point where it is as tall as my nose. I decide that this is a good idea and nothing bad can come of it besides falling straight onto my face or looking stupid. I decide that I might as well try to see if working out at home has paid off. I put my hands on the top of the fence, I push down and jump up and I am airborne, I've never jumped so high from solid ground it feels awesome I am up and over the fence, I am falling, I notice the ground slants ,I land...poorly. I fall backwards and try to grip the fence with my right hand as it is still attached to the top of the fence. I hope I don't knock over the heating mushroom and cause a fire. I am swung backwards and my back goes into the corner of one of the wooden tables built into the fence. My grip holds to the fence and the table is saved.I feel like just kicked Jesus in the balls, and hard. I await my applause, I receive concern and bewilderment.Everyone thinks me to be still drunk, this is not the case. Kumari Is amazed and asks me how I did it...determination that is how. Lisa thinks the table went right into my neck, she is concerned. I tell her that the table barely pressed into my scapula, I practically crushed that table with the spade shaped bone of my shoulder. I am all that is man. The excitement is over the night plays out uneventfully I drink much water, Andy Lyndsey and I leave the bar. We go to taco bell..The window gets stuck partially up, it's done that three times this year, it's an easy but frustrating fix. The night ends with me smiling about the fact that I actually was able to jump that fence...Small victories.

I am a man, I am an animal, I live life one step at a time.
My knee is swollen today. I jumped that fucking fence,people were impressed and I'm smiling right now, because that fence is now my bitch.

by the way the cd of the night was Zihn Vo Slavu (live for the glory) by Arkona, the drink of the night was water, and the cheese of the night was not melted.

*after the immediate realization that my original spelling of this particular word, as I was checking dDOTc for the proper one It made me giggle as it reminded me of a Christmas morning long ago, before I told religion to check it's bag of tricks at the door.

** I don't drive drunk, seriously...preach to someone else or you will be eaten and inextricably destroyed through the age old process of digestion

*** my friend passed out before driving and is ok.